The other day I received some chain mail titled " INSTRUCTIONS FOR LIFE." The message header contained the standard chain mail signature: "This is a good luck poem.. send it to 10 people in the next two days and you will get eternal happiness. If you don't your penis will fall off and you will burn in hell.." or something similar. In the body of the message was a long list of sappy feel good rules and guidelines to live by. Most of it was just rehashed bullshit that you're told from the minute you're born. Stuff like:

When you say "I love you," mean it.

Never laugh at anyone's dreams. People who don't dream don't have much.

In disagreements, fight fairly. No name calling.

Say bless you when you hear someone sneeze.

Don't trust a man/woman who doesn't close his/her eyes when you kiss.

Dance as if no one's looking; sing as if no one's listening, work like you don't need the money; love as if you've never been hurt.

I had to stop reading after that last one to fight back spasms of vomit and sheer disgust. That's the biggest crock of shit I've ever read. "Don't trust a man/woman who doesn't close his/her eyes when you kiss." What the hell is that supposed to mean? How can you tell if your partner has his or her eyes open while you kiss unless you have your eyes open? ANSWER ME DAMMIT. "Dance as if no one's looking" NO ASSHOLE. YOU DANCE. I HATE dancing. Leave me the hell alone already. Dance as if nobody's looking.. what a shitty idea.

Anyway, I've decided to make my own set of "Instructions for life." This is the real list people should live by, not that idealistic bullshit up above. Here's how it is:

It doesn't matter how much you give, there will always be greedy bastards out to take more.

Don't take time out of work to enjoy life's simple pleasures (you'll get fired).

Unless you're rich, nothing you have to say is important.

Love is only as eternal as your wallet.

When you realize you've made a mistake, do the cowardly thing and call it a policy.

If you appreciate the work someone is doing for you, don't tell them. Doing that might warrant a raise that you could spend on yourself.

If you're ugly, you will never get laid (ever).

You must surrender all hopes and dreams to the company you work for because dreaming isn't profitable.

Don't judge people by how they look (except when it comes to love, marriage, employment and net worth).

If you get promoted, don't change the way things are done (no matter how shitty you thought they were-- you're one of them now which makes it okay to walk on people).

It doesn't matter how well you do your job, it's how much ass you kiss.

Live a good, honest, decent life. Just kidding. Lie, cheat and screw around.

Share your wealth with those less fortunate, or at least say that you do to inflate your ego.

Remember that what you wear dictates who your friends are.

There it is. The real rules of life. Not as enthusiastic sounding, but who cares?

221,822 have read my message and hate me even more.

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