Nothing Gets Past
Airport Security

Nothing gets past airport

Airport security sucks. For anyone not familiar with the what goes on at an airport security check, it's where you're harassed by balding, middle-aged men and women with yellow armpit stains. They'll submit you to rigorous interrogation by asking you questions to ensure that you're not a terrorist plotting to blow up the airplane (because that's what all terrorists do). Some of the questions you might be asked:

  • Have you received any packages from strangers?
  • Did you pack your own luggage?
  • Was your luggage in your posession at all times?

    That last question gets me every time. I have a bad habit of leaving my luggage with unscrupulous looking strangers so my shit gets stolen before I go on my trip. Please. What's the point of asking these questions? Anyone planning on blowing up an airplane probably isn't going to be honest enough to answer these questions truthfully in the first place. Even if the terrorists were dumb enough to answer these questions truthfully, chances are that they'd be too damn stupid to pull off the crime anyway! What the hell is the point?

    I was carrying a box through the security check point at LAX the other day, when I was suddenly stopped by an officer that asked me what was in my box. I told him "a doll" and he took my word for it, letting me pass through. If he was going to take my word for it anyway, then what the hell was the point of asking? I could have said shoes, clothes, or even a good Smashing Pumpkins album (if one existed). Does he hope that by asking enough stupid questions that eventually a terrorist would slip up and say "a bomb," at which point officer dipshit would arrest him or her? Morons.

    413,052 people have sent me email bitching about how I owe my life to airport security and the federal regulations that force them to ask me stupid questions, not realizing that I don't give a shit.

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