Wireless internet may very well destroy our chances of contacting intelligent life.

I have a confession to make: I hate reading email. Since October alone, I've read over 42,000 emails, of which maybe a few hundred weren't written by lobotomy patients; hell, even lobotomy patients could string together a few words to make something that resembled a sentence. I know there are other big websites out there that generate a lot of email (my sympathies to the Chapman brothers), but I'm willing to bet that few people have ever witnessed the sheer magnitude of stupid emails I receive daily.

That reminds me, I'm going to set up a filter to delete any email containing the word "liberal" or "conservative;" consider this a fair warning: get a new mantra you boring, unoriginal, cry baby pussies. Email addresses containing any combination of the phrase "Blink 182" or "Limp Bizkit" will also be deleted. I'm tired of getting email from you dipshits calling me a "liberal" or a "conservative" (I get the same amount from both camps). There are more than two ideologies out there you morons, quit emailing me with your stupid theories. Stop listening to bullshit political radio if you can't form your own opinion without grouping yourself under the convenient umbrella of a "liberal" or "conservative." Quit having your opinions fed to you by Rush Limbaugh, you twats.

Having read so many emails, I've become good at recognizing which ones are a complete waste of time. There's nothing more satisfying than getting a three page email, reading a sentence or two and then deleting it. Wait, yes there is: replying to tell the author that I didn't read the email, then deleting it. You think I care about your long-winded 5 page emails you send me? Holy shit people, I mean, don't you think that maybe since I get thousands of emails per week that I don't have time to read another boring 5-page yawner from some asshole I'll never meet?

Here's a summary of every major type of email I receive:

The special request:

I get email from people who ask me to write about their lives:

Hey maddox, could you write a page about my english teacher Mrs. Ferguson? She's an ass-hat and I think it would be funny. Also, when you're done writing about her, could you say something about my friend Matt? He's a fag, so just write "MATT IS A FAGOT" down at the bottom somewhere. Thanks.
Yes, they literally ask me to write about their teachers. Like everyone in the world knows Mrs. Ferguson and "Matt," and they give a shit about how much homework your mean teacher gives you. Unbelievable.

My ex-biggest fan:

At least once per week, without fail, I get an email that starts out like this:

Hey maddox, what happened to you? I used to love your site, but then you criticized [Smashing Pumpkins, Oasis, Blink 182, Bush, Clinton, Gore, Cheese Pizza], which is uncool. Your site has really gone down hill over the years man. Your last post was the shittiest yet. If you keep this up, I might not check your site twice per day for updates because I have no life and act like I'm doing you a favor by sucking up your bandwidth. You should write about something funny, like religion, or Carrot Top. Nobody else makes fun of those, and it might help you get your edge back.


I've received at least one email like this per week about every single one of my posts since 1998. The problem with emails like these is that the author makes an invalid assumption: namely, that I care what some shit-eating business major who doesn't have his own website, or any writing experience, thinks about my website. If people liked your writing, chances are you'd be writing for your own website instead of hoping to score your only chance at anyone ever reading anything you write by having a super hero like me read your email.

On a side note, these are usually the same people who email me: "HEY MADDOX, WHY DON'T YOU DO A PAGE ABOUT [JEWS, MEXICANS, AZNS]." I'm impressed that anyone so patently stupid can read.

The elementary school drop out:

The email in the graphic at the top of this page, is real; I suffer through bullshit like that daily. The email was actually fan mail, but I was thinking about starting up a new hate mail section where I post email from people that I hate, as opposed to email from people who hate me. Having spelling errors is one thing, but c'mon. I've typed out more coherent sentences with my penis. Here's another quote from the same email:

few things id like 2 clear up 4 u! most women;
1) have nothing 2 settle wiv men (excpt they need 2 laern were the better sex!)
2) we dont get offended by u callin us 'chicks' its just most mens vocb dnt stretch v far thats y we gt annoyed!
3)u meet a gal that dnt shave, stay away! i agree its rng!!
If there were a building that stood for grammatical integrity, this email would be the plane that crashed into it. I think I'm going to write a filter that searches for "u," so I can delete these emails as well. Seriously, it's only two extra letters, learn to type or don't bother sending me email. Also, add people who use "wiv" to the long list of people who I owe a punch in the face to.

The dumbass proof-reader:

If people don't know that "inane" is in fact, a word, then what hope does "homage" have? I've received dozens of emails from people saying I spelled "homepage" wrong on my Contra 3 page when I said "...I decided to write this homage to Contra III..." Here's one such email:

Subject: you're missing a p you fuck stick

Hey dumbass that Contra III section's title is missing a p "Homepage to
Contra III." ha, homage. Didn't think you'd want some collage-educated
guy bitchin at you.

I wish I were making this stuff up.

The self-absorbed offended asshole:

Does my site offend you?

I am not joking with you, Mr Maddox. If you do not remove your page from the
web I may take legal action against you. You are a very rude, intolerant person
and your website is a bad influence to children.
Oh my site is a bad influence to children? Well guess what? IF YOU WERE DOING YOUR JOB AS A RESPONSIBLE PARENT, THEY WOULDN'T SEE MY SITE IN THE FIRST PLACE. It's not my job to be your childrens' guardian. People who come to this site, read all of the content, get deeply offended, then shoot off an angry email, completely baffle me. The solution is simple: if it offends you, DON'T READ IT. Despite this simple solution, people still come to my site, read it and are offended by it every day. I think I know why you dumbasses keep coming to my site: you love it. You love every minute of it. You can't get enough of me. Hate mail fuels the fire, keep on sending me your stupid emails, I'm never going away. There is a world outside of you, bitch.

There are sites a lot worse than mine on the internet, and if anyone should be taking legal action, it should be me against you, because having children when you're that stupid is child abuse.

The random tech support question:

This is exactly what it sounds like:

"Dear Mr. Maddox,
I was shopping around for a new video card because I'm taking a C++ class and since you know how to program in C++ I figured that you could recommend blah blah blah blah..."
What the hell do you think this is? You think I have time to research your tech support question? I mean, seriously, don't you people think before you shoot off your mail, like I'm some kind of personal assistant with nothing better to do?

The critical thinker:

This person is identified by the uncanny ability to detect the obvious: "Hey maddox, I think the car you posted on your hate mail page looks fake. It looks like you used photoshop. Nice try." Good job putz, you've figured it out. Then there are the people who just don't get it: "hey maddox, did you really kick your neighbor in the throat? I don't think you should be treating people like that. I think you should be in jail." Yes you stupid cocks, I really kicked my neighbor in the throat and rammed some guy off of the road, and that's why I'm still able to post to my website instead of being locked up in jail. What are you, completely dense?

Man I hate people.

891,129 People still don't get the message and send me stupid email.

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