Otaku Loser

I went to see a movie the other day called "Spirited Away." It's a Japanese cartoon (known as anime to the elite) that Disney had the unusual foresight to bring to the US. I was standing in line listening to the elated nerds in front of me when I saw a guy walking down the stairs with the biggest tits I'd ever seen. He was wearing a shirt with some female cartoon characters with Japanese writing on it, his entire mass jiggling back and forth as he slothed his way into the line. He stood in line behind me and was eventually joined by his nerd posse, all of whom had equally massive tits (I'd go so far as to say that the tits would have been boner inducing if they didn't belong to these guys).

We were eventually let into the theater and I sat and waited as the nerds piled in one after another until the cheese-like stench of the unshowered pseudo-intellectuals was overwhelming. There was every type of nerd imaginable, all wearing geeky anime shirts that don't fit because they were made for Japanese school girls (Hello Kitty). While I was waiting for the movie to start, I noticed something that I had never noticed before: a secret nerd social structure! I wasn't surrounded by ordinary nerds, but rather by mega nerds with specific roles. Here are the types of nerds I found:

1. The "I wish I was Japanese" anime nerd:
Everyone knows someone like this. They refer to themselves as "otaku" and they embrace everything Japanese, not necessarily because it's something unique or interesting, but because it's Japanese. They wear clothing with Japanese or Chinese characters on it that translate to English phrases like "good will" or "long life." They wouldn't be able to get away with wearing a shirt that said "long life" in English because it would just look stupid, but as soon as it's translated into kanji it suddenly becomes cool and mysterious? Please. Since they'll sooner die than admit that their fascination with everything Japanese is a sham, you'll occasionally sense how uneasy they become when confronted with something Japanese that's so lame and obviously for little girls that they almost start to back off from the mountain of stupid they've climbed up on. Almost.

2. The balding gothic loser with an ugly girlfriend nerd:
This is a goth who's so much of a loser that he's even shunned by other goth losers. A telltale characteristic of this nerd is his inability to stop deep throating his ugly girlfriend in public. They not only kiss, but they kiss in the most vulgar way possible (full on tongue and groping). As if it wasn't bad enough that they're both kicking the funk, they usually sport massive pizza-face crater acne. Barf!

3. The big-titted lardass nerd:
If this type of nerd was a soup, he would be Campbell's: Thick and Chunky. Girls usually refer to this nerd as "a nice guy," and despite every girl's wish for a nice guy, they'd sooner be shot than date, let alone bang a guy like this. This type of nerd is usually very sensitive and introverted. You can get away with punching this nerd in the face because he's too much of a pussy to do anything about it. However, you can expect to find an entry about what an asshole you are in his blog several days later. And don't expect to be invited to any Magic: The Gathering parties he hosts any time soon.

4. The nerd leader:
This is the "cool" nerd of the group. The nerd all other nerds aspire to be. You can tell which one is the nerd leader by watching his posse swarm around his every move. No lesser nerd dares speak against the nerd leader's opinion on cartoons, sci-fi movies or debates about which Star Wars characters are able to defeat jedis "if only they learned to use the force." The nerd leader revels in being able to boss around all the other nerds and does so as often as he can to make up for his utter inability to boss anyone else around in his life. This nerd is usually tough shit until you point out the fact that he's 36 and still lives at home.

5. The "Silent Bob" trench coat mullet nerd:
Tries to look intimidating but ends up just looking stupid as he clumsily trips over his trench coat. Usually has shaving scars and a patchy, random-ass beard because he can't grow facial hair. Thinks he's the character "Silent Bob" from the movie Clerks. Pretends to be above it when other nerds laugh at nerd jokes, secretly goes home and cries himself to sleep.

These are the main nerd classifications, there are others but I'm afraid I might start watching Babylon 5 if I don't stop here.

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