How to avoid children in a theater

Tired of going to a movie only to have it ruined by loud, stupid, smelly, whiny, obnoxious, screaming children?

I know I am. So I have made a formula to use as a reference for when you want to see a movie without having a little brat spoil it by kicking your chair, talking, laughing (even if everyone else is laughing, it's still annoying coming from a kid), and asking their parents to go to the bathroom EVERY 5 MINUTES.

The general rule:

The number of children in a theater is proportional to the time of day, and is a function of the movie's rating.

Assuming the average theater has a 300 seat capacity, and 85% attendance (255 occupied seats, not taking into consideration the movie's rating and assuming ideal conditions for children), the following table can be used:

(T = 255 occupied seats)
Time                 |     Number of Children
<= 12:00 PM             (4/5)T
1:30 PM                     (3/4)T
3:15 PM                    (5/7)T
5:15 PM                    (4/7)T
7:30 PM                    (2/7)T (Notice the larger decrease - 27%)
9:30 PM                    (1/9)T
>= 10:00 PM             (1/24)T

The general formula:

F(x) = (A/x)D

Where x = the rating, A = the time reference (the fraction multiplied by T, where T is 255 from above), and D is the seasonal variance.

Each rating should use the value listed below:

G ........ 1
PG ....... 1.5
PG-13 .... 2
R ........ 7
NC-17 .... 15
X-XXX .... 32
Not Rated ... 1-32 (1 being most like a Disney movie, 32 being porn; use your judgment)

The value of D varies with the season, and should be assigned one of the following values:

Spring ........ 1.03
Summer ..... 1.25
Fall ............. 0.8
Winter ........ 0.5

There you have it. Using that formula should give you a fairly accurate idea of how many children will be in a theater bothering you during a movie. Try some different combinations to test it out, and of course, add or subtract from your final answer as you see fit when you take into consideration the type of movie it is. For example, a movie like "There's Something About Mary" would probably attract more children to it than other R rated movies because it's a comedy, and most people are willing to ignore vulgar language as long as it's concealed behind a smile. Again, use your best judgment.


Time index at 9:30 PM for A = (1/9)T = 28
Rating = R = 7
Spring Season = D = 1.25
F(4) = (28/7)*1.25 = 5

So for a movie at 9:30 PM, rated R, during the spring should only attract approximately 5 children to a theater (usually accompanied by adults). Safe to go, but be prepared to put on the annoyed-to-death--will-these-kids-ever-shut-up look, just in case.

Let me know how your results turn out as you use this formula, and if I need to change something that would make it a more accurate assessment. Good luck.

234,308 people hate children.

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