I will kick your ass.

I thought of a way to make a little extra money the other day since I blew all my money on birth control for my neighbors (who I've been zapping in the crotch with a microwave gun for the last three months to make sure that they don't raise more morons like themselves). So being the ass kicking super hero that I am, I've decided to start a new service on this site:

I will kick your ass for $25. That's right, for a limited time only I'm offering to beat the shit out of you for the super low introductory rate of $25. I accept PayPal or cash only (you are responsible for all meals and transportation). For an extra $25, I'll kick your neighbor's ass and beat their pets. Women and children will also cost an additional $5 because I have to put up with constant bitching. If you live in a tall apartment with kids, I'll give you a $5 discount because I can toss your kids through the window, unless they're fat in which case I'll charge you $100 extra for pissing me off.

Here's a typical scenario I've created to help you decide when to use this service:

Oh man I rule. Look at how badass I drew myself as a pirate. Can boobs get any manlier than the ones I've drawn? *I submit that they can not.

*Note: A few people have brought to my attention that comedian Brian Regan first popularized this phrase. Although I've never seen any of his material, credits to him.

729,355 suckers--er, I mean, customers have paid me to kick their ass.

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