My Interview With Michael Bolton:


Recently I had a chance to sit down and talk with Michael Bolton. Here's how the interview went:

Ruler of the Universe: First I'd like to say thanks for taking time out of your busy schedule to talk to me.

Bolton: No problem, anything for a fan-

Ruler of the Universe: Fan? Woah, easy there jackass [I proceed give him the one finger salute].

Bolton: Oh my, there I go again assuming people like me...

Ruler of the Universe: Yes, about that fan business, nobody seriously likes that shit you play, right?

Bolton: Actually I've won 3 Grammy awards for Best Pop Vocal Performance by a male...

Ruler of the Universe: [yawn]

Bolton: ...and I've won 2 American Music Awards in Pop/Rock and Adult Contemporary...

Ruler of the Universe: Yeah, anyway. Rumor has it that you suck ass. Is this true?

Bolton: Yes.

Ruler of the Universe: I thought so. You know, your music is way shitty. How is it that you suck so much ass?

Bolton: Well, every morning, I wake up and smear my face in pig shit. That makes me pretty damn shitty [laughs]. Then I pay a visit to my gynecologist to make sure I don't have any growths-

Ruler of the Universe: Woah, hold it right there. Way more than I needed to know. Speaking of you being a wuss, I bet you're pretty popular with the ladies, eh?

Bolton: Well.. I guess. But I only have sex with llamas. I don't know what it is about women and shitty music. Maybe they'll pull their heads out of their asses some day. In the mean time, I'll milk it for all it's worth.

Ruler of the Universe: Man, you sure are a dipshit.

Bolton: Yup, that about covers it.

Ruler of the Universe: Well, before I let you go, I'd like to thank you again for your time, good luck with your future projects-- no wait... choke and die.

Bolton: Hey, no problem. Nice to meet you [reaches to shake my hand--denied].

257,022 people have heard Bolton's shitty music.

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