Brendan Fraser:

Brendan Fraser

Recently I had a chance to interview Brendan Fraser, star of such movie disasters as "The Mummy," and "Encino Man." Here's how the interview went:

Ruler of the Universe: First of all, I'd like to thank you for taking time out of your busy schedule of-

Brendan Fraser: Making bad movies?

Ruler of the Universe: Actually, I was going to say "annoying people," but that too.

Brendan Fraser: Oh yeah, I do that sometimes. It's probably because I'm such a piss-poor actor.

Ruler of the Universe: Brendan, some critics have labeled you a "dumbass," what do you have to say to that?

Brendan Fraser: There are no grounds for this accusation. I maintain that I'm not a dumbass-

Ruler of the Universe: Then how do you explain Encino Man?

Brendan Fraser: Oh yeah, I guess I am a dumbass. Good point.

Dumbass.

Ruler of the Universe: This picture pretty much covers it.

Brendan Fraser: Oh yeah! I remember that picture. It was made at a career fair, when applicants were tested for jobs and assigned occupations that would best fit their skills (or lack thereof in my case).

Ruler of the Universe: Anyway, about Encino Man, what the hell were you thinking? Why did you ever decide to work with a bitch like Pauly Shore?

Brendan Fraser: Well, I hate to admit it, but the truth is that Pauly Shore is my brother, and since we're both such shitty actors, we decided to give the audience a mega dose of super suck by being in a movie together.

Ruler of the Universe: I hate you.

Brendan Fraser: Haha-

Ruler of the Universe: No, I'm not kidding.

Brendan Fraser: Oh.

Ruler of the Universe: Anyway, now for The Mummy. I'll ask the same question: "what the hell were you thinking?"

Brendan Fraser: What do you mean? The Mummy was a good movie! It had mummies, wasps, ethnic stereotypes-

Ruler of the Universe: But it had you.

Brendan Fraser: Oh yeah, I guess I kind of did ruin that movie too. In fact, I think I ruin every movie I'm in.

Ruler of the Universe: Damn right.

Brendan Fraser: I wonder what I can do to make up for being so shitty...

Ruler of the Universe: For starters, how about refunding my $6.50 for The Mummy, bitch?

Brendan Fraser: Sorry, I'm broke. I spent all my money paying off producers so they'd put me in their next film.

Ruler of the Universe: Well, I'm tired of talking to you.

Brendan Fraser: It's been a pleasure, maybe we can do this again some time?

Ruler of the Universe: Maybe not.

Dumbass.

193,920 suckers paid to see a Brendan Fraser movie.

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