How to become an obnoxious internet cam whore in five easy steps.

Ever wanted to become a trashy internet cam whore, but you just don't know how? Tired of earning money for things the honest way? If you're shameless and conceited enough, then the exciting world of online prostitution may be for you. It's hard at first, but don't get discouraged. Being a cranky bitch and undressing yourself in front of a cam for middle-aged men isn't as easy as it seems, so here are five simple rules to keep in mind when becoming an internet cam whore:

1. Never smile.
Smiling gets you nowhere. Guys totally dig ornery chicks who wallow in self-pity. Be sure to give yourself a clever moniker like "SEX_GODDESS" or bring out the real cock tease inside you by naming yourself "2_HOT_4_U." It's very important to mope and look depressed because people don't like talking to other people in a good mood. Depressed losers are cool and totally original, don't hold back!

One other subtle point: never use proper grammar or punctuation. Why type "you're" when you can type "ur"? Being coherent is overrated.

2. Write bad poetry, and lots of it.
Writing bad poetry is easy when you disregard meter, pace, and rhyming scheme. Just make sure to follow a few simple guidelines:
1. Never write about anything cheerful. Remember, you are a tortured artist. Be one.
2. Be sure to use the following words at least once per sentence, no fewer than 50 times per poem: lament, loathe, soul, darkness, bitter, agony, despair, misery, anguish, pain, suffer, woe, hate, death, love, sultry, angel, rose, acrid and nihilism. Nihilism is a good one because it comes up all the time in normal conversations.

It's easy, here's a sample to get you started:

fire... burning... agony...
sultry shivers of a dark essence
why am i tortured with this nihilistic existence?
bitter... darkness... despair.

notice the constant lower case? i added that touch to be unique. unique people type in lower case.

3. Turn up the brightness and contrast to hide blemishes in your complexion.
Are you worried that you're not cut out to be a cam whore because you look like a stretched out sack of shit? No problem, just turn up the brightness and contrast to hide your skin blemishes! Zits, black heads, and scars instantly vanish when you convince yourself that you're not a pimply-faced salad dodger by manipulating your image.

Don't worry about integrity, this is the internet, anything goes.

4. Wear stupid trendy box-framed "EMO" glasses.
No pseudo-intellectual is complete without a pair of ultra-hip "EMO" glasses. Just put them on and let the smart vibes flow. A mere glance and people will be able to tell that you're the type of person who reads Dostoevsky. You won't be mistaken for anything short of an astro-physicist, or a theoretical physicist of some sort. All physicists go to stupid raves, bleach their hair, and listen to angst-filled punk music because they don't want to seem uncool in front of the other scientists.

If you want to go the extra mile and really seal the deal, wear plugs in your ear lobes so you have giant nasty sagging flaps of skin hanging off of your head. It'll look great when you pull your head out of your ass and go to a job interview some day. Then again, you're EMO; you don't need a job. You're totally unique, and all unique people wear box-framed nerd glasses. Even though real nerds wear glasses like these, they're not cool because they wear their glasses out of necessity.

5. Make a wishlist and sell yourself for it.
Now comes the pay off for all your hard work. Every cam whore needs to make a wishlist. A wishlist is a list of items that you want, usually from a website such as Amazon, but unlike people who have to work for the things they buy, you want to sit around being a fat lazy bitch and still get the things you want without having to work for it. Here's a simple formula to keep in mind:

YOU + WEBCAM - CLOTHES - DIGNITY = $$$

Don't let your dignity get in the way of your online prostitution. It will seem hard at first to exploit fat, lonely losers who jerk off to pre-teen skanks, but it gets easier every time. Just keep telling yourself that you're only going to do this temporarily, and that you're going to eventually go back to community college to finish up your associates degree in liberal arts.

Hint: always dress your best and wear makeup for your online audience. Sure, other people may tell you that you're a pathetic pig, and that what you're doing is tantamount to prostitution, but they're just jealous because total strangers aren't buying them anything. Nevermind the fact that they have a job and earn their material excess without exploiting losers, or that the men watching you could be stalkers or rapists. Don't get caught up in details! Have fun, it's your life and it's your body: cheapen it!

That's it, those are the simple rules to becoming an obnoxious internet cam whore. It may seem like a lot of work at first, but keep it up and you'll be sitting back and spreading your legs for books and CDs before you know it.

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