A case for The Grinch

I was listening to the song "You're A Mean One, Mr. Grinch," by Thurl Ravenscroft a while ago I noticed that the lyrics make the guy sound like an industrial-strength asshole. At 3-minutes long, the song contains a whopping 30 insults hurled towards The Grinch, or approximately 1.67 insults per 10 seconds. Holy shit! There are death metal songs that actively encourage kids to kill themselves, and even those don't come close to this rancorous shit-storm of a song. So why's he so heinous? Because he doesn't like noise. Yep, that's it. Oh no, not that! So without further ado, a case for The Grinch:

The video barely even scratches the surface of the tsunami of vitriol in this song. Almost every aspect of the Grinch's life, character and even ethereal qualities are criticized. Here's a full break-down of all the insults:

All of this because, what? He wants his neighbors to keep it down a bit? Wow, what an asshole. After putting up with 53 years of this bullshit, he snaps due to the sheer obnoxiousness of the shitty Who-ville children. Am I missing something? The movie has the audacity to suggest that nobody knows why he's so pissed off. HE CLEARLY HAS A PROBLEM WITH YOU ASSHOLES AND YOUR CONSTANT BULLSHIT NOISE.

By having a breakdown, sneaking into town and stealing their stupid gifts, he teaches the villagers a valuable lesson:

The Whos owe the Grinch a debt of gratitude. Just look at some of the "instruments" these dipshits are playing:

It's like everything in Whoville is engineered to make as much noise as possible. Look at this blissful idiot with giant bells shackled to his ankles like a slave:


Dance it up, shit-head!

I'd get the biggest boner if he tripped and broke his stupid face. Look at this asshole with a horn in his mouth:


Not seen: an entire single-reed, woodwind clarinet.

Every single element of this device is optimized to annoy. Every limb, orifice and appendage is utilized to make as much noise as possible. It's not even possible that this "instrument" won't make noise. He's actually beating the drums with rattlers with his eyes closed, like one of those dipshit hippies who "feels" the music. He doesn't have time for sheet music and harmony, man! And speaking of, at what point would you ever want a note of a song to simultaneously include a rattle, horn, drum beat and the inconsistent jangle of 6 suspended bells, asshole?

As efficient as the Whos are at making noise, everything else about their lives is paradoxically inefficient. Take for example this orgy of excess:

They employ 6 people to deliver one strawberry. Five of them even risk asphyxiation all for the sake of novelty. The energy requirements to pull off this stunt, let alone the planning and logistics of creating Matryoshka-doll serving trays engineered to fit one strawberry is staggering. The only thing they don't have an excess of in Whoville is humility. It's like they're guaranteeing that little shit is going to grow up to be spoiled and entitled.

Then in the shitty Ron Howard version of the movie, they completely gutted any potential justification the Whos might have for hating The Grinch by giving him a back story where he was bullied and ostracized as a child. There's an 8-minute segment of the movie where The Grinch is teased for his looks and made to feel inadequate for looking and acting differently. Then immediately following that 8-minute scene, the movie has the audacity to suggest "nobody knows the reason" The Grinch is pissed:

YOU JUST TOLD US THE REASON, DIPSHIT! Did the 8-minutes immediately preceding this scene not happen? It's not some giant mystery, the guy was treated like shit and he snapped. I could go on, but I'm going to do something less painful like pour boiling water in my eyes.

Note: I originally scheduled this article's release for December, but due to hardware failure I almost lost the video. I eventually recovered most of the assets because I'm a genius. If you're the type of moron who thinks it's irrelevant just because it's posted "after" Christmas, then it probably would have never been relevant to you in the first place. The post isn't about a holiday, it's about the cultural implications of a shitty song. Besides, it's not 15 days late, it's 350 days early. I rule.

167,000 Whos need to get punched in their fat faces with my big, hairy green fist.

Back to how much I rule... Store Email

© 1997-2014 by Maddox