A few suggestions to help make CompUSA a better store.

As much as I hate to admit it, the people in management at CompUSA are enviably diabolical. They have found a way to tap into the wallets of hundreds of thousands of knuckle dragging, mouth-breathing, dimwitted morons. Daily. As exemplified by their newest ad campaign featuring a eunuch man with a unibrow that pisses-me-off all over the place, the typical CompUSA customer has no problem being talked down to by a technical authority figure so long as he has a smug, condescending voice, and an A+ certification (which ranks somewhere between tying your shoe laces and not choking to death on your drool in the universal spectrum of skills).

I can't help but admire the balls-to-the-wall arrogance of CompUSA's management. I mean, the magnitude of swindling we're dealing with here would give Satan a boner.

With a money-making agenda that could otherwise only exist in a super villain's wet dream, CompUSA needs no help from a ruggedly handsome pirate such as myself. So I've decided to give a few suggestions that might make the store better for customers instead. Enjoy:

  • To better match the store atmosphere at CompUSA, I've created a new logo:

    I find this new logo more descriptive because it will help give the customers a better idea of what to expect from the moment they set foot in CompUSA.

  • Open a home loan center on premises to make it more convenient for customers to take out a second mortgage to help pay the overhead on minor computer hardware and software purchases.

  • Save a lot of time and trouble of calculating totals on customer receipts by streamlining the balance into the following convenient total:

    By combining the purchase total into the "RAPE" column, you save the customer the hassle of re-checking the total himself to conclude that he was in fact raped without lubrication by CompUSA's sales & marketing staff.

  • More foreplay please! Customers love thinking they're getting a $2200 computer for $1900:

    Sure, at a glance it looks like the product costs $1900, but thanks to micro-print, customers don't have to be bothered by details like the actual cost of the product until they bring the item up to the checkout counter. That is, unless the customer has 20/20 vision and catches notice of the following little gem:

    Not that there's anything wrong with rebates, after all, the customer can go through the simple steps of sending in two separate forms along with photocopies of receipts, UPC labels, serial numbers and the title page of the instruction manuals if they want their rebates. Then a brisk 8-10 weeks later, the customer will be rolling in cash back from a wise purchase.

    Nevermind little clauses like "limit one rebate per household," so if anyone else living at your residence purchases the same item, or if you purchase more than one of the same product, your subsequent rebate requests will be rejected. Of course, listing products with the rebate price in large type without the rebate clauses listed may mislead the customer into thinking that he or she is able to receive the rebate in spite of the restrictions, but who has time to worry about fraud when we're talking about (maybe) huge savings?

  • Pay your sales and technical staff minimum wage, then pass the savings onto your customers in the form of a 600% markup on products. Just kidding, that would be unethical.

  • Be sure not to mention any service plans we didn't ask for, because everyone loves a good surprise in the form of a 3 year warranty that doesn't begin until the manufacturer's warranty expires.

  • Hire untrained school kids to man your staff, because I like being told that the swap file on my computer is "pretend memory." Being talked down to by crater-faced sales staff is a humbling experience, and the phrase "pretend memory" is awesome. It makes me want to pay you pretend money for the pretend advice I received from your staff with pretend technical knowledge.

  • Offer warranties for things that don't need service, such as pre-packaged software sold by third-party vendors.

  • Charge arbitrary 15% "restocking" fees to seal and restock products returned due to defects:

    The most expensive cellophane in the universe.

    Finding fingerprints on products sold as new in your store is a great way to discover that you've been sold a potentially faulty product. I love searching for fingerprints on products I purchase anyway. It's like a scavenger hunt, except instead of finding a prize, I get it up the ass.

  • Make sure not to mention that some manufacturers sell your name, phone number, address, and purchase history to third parties for the purpose of telemarketing and other solicitations until after the product has already been purchased. Try to combine this with the unwanted warranty purchase for a super surprise, gang-bang style!

    That's all the advice I have for now. If any executives or management from CompUSA read this list, I hope you found it helpful. I aim to please.

    2,204,395 people learned how to read between the lines and are now boycotting CompUSA.

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