Someone call the CDC, it turns out
that
Stupid is contagious after all.
I was sitting in my math class the other day watching the professor fumble
through another train wreck of a lecture when a girl sitting one row
behind me raised her hand. Clocking in at a healthy 5 questions in under
20 minutes, I could see already that I had no choice but to power bomb
her through the wall during break. This girl is one of about five or so
in my class, she's about 5.5 ft tall, shoulder length hair, toned body
(because she's on the Racquet ball team, which lost by
the way), and she always wears jogging pants to class--the kind
that make a loud grinding noise when you rub the pant legs together.
While this girl went on to ask her inevitably stupid question which would
have made me dumber for listening to it, I started looking around at the
morons sitting around me, each one thoughtfully nodding as the girl prattled
on with her question, which was now fully realized as being stupid
as I had predicted. I've decided that for the benefit of everyone taking
(or planning on taking) upper level college classes, that I'd write a
quick break down of the types of morons you'll encounter in college.
The break down is as follows: first I'll document the main type of women
with three sub-types, followed by the 3 main types of guys (different
flavors of idiot).
1. There's only one type of woman: gabby.
i. Haughty bitch
ii. Always on the rag, cranky-hag.
iii. The loud-mouth chick with a fat face.
Now onto the guys. There are 3 main types of guys, all of which belong
to one of the following categories:
i. The enlightened pseudo-intellectual.
ii. The eternal muse.
iii. The guy who "doesn't get it."
People are the worst.
I know that this doesn't have to be stated explicitly, as everyone already
knows that all women are gabby. If you're a woman reading this and you
disagree, it's probably because you have your head up your ass. Don't
worry, I'll help you realize that arguing about it means that you'd have
to write me hate mail, which makes you gabby by definition because
nobody gives a shit about this stupid web page or that you were offended
by it. So rather than elaborating on this obvious point, I'll move onto
the three main sub-types.
The girl I mentioned above falls into this sub-category. Being one of
the only 5 girls in my math class, and having the most toned body, she
automatically thinks that all the guys want her, when the truth is that all
the guys want her to shut up. This type of woman is usually under
the impression that because she's the nicest looking girl in the math class,
that she is indeed nice looking on an absolute scale and that she can get
away with flirting with the professor to kiss her ass into upper level classes.
She'll eventually realize that math majors are too geeky and inept to flirt
with her, and that she's too much of a moron to pass the class. Usually
ends up transferring to a community college and eventually dropping out.
This type of woman is also known as "super bitch." This is the one
that comes in and slams her books on her desk and starts to whine to
all her bitch friends about how bad she has it, because nobody
else has to work and go to school but her. When you point out the fact
that you work over 60 hours per week with a full time school schedule,
she'll resort to her last ditch sympathy effort by telling you that
she's pregnant, as if you're personally responsible for knocking her
up. This type of woman is best dealt with like a Zombie: shotgun blast
to the chest.
Every class has one, you know who I'm talking about. The chick with the
fat face who never shuts up. The only time she shuts up long enough for
you to listen to the professor is while she's eating the lunch she brought
with her (oh go right ahead, eat your sweet and sour chicken in class
during lecture, nevermind the fact that class is only 50 minutes long
and that you could stand to wait until it's over or skip a few lunches here
or there entirely). She's friends with everyone in class on a
first-name basis, EXCEPT you. She'll never bother to learn your name
because she knows that you're onto her bullshit.
This is the guy who's always challenging what the professor says. Shut
up poindexter, if you knew what you were talking about, maybe people would
pay to hear you give lectures instead of expecting your dumbass to come to
class and shut the hell up.
Doesn't quite know what the hell's going on, constantly bewildered by
everything the professor says, even if it's a review from last week.
The eternal muse always acts really interested in every word the
teacher spews, as if it's literally being told for the first time to humanity.
Asks a lot of questions, stays after to shoot the shit with the professor
who's trying to avoid him so he can go back to his office and think about
how much he hates his dumbass students. The eternal muse always fails his
classes.
"I don't get it... I don't get it." Maybe if he'd shut up long
enough and stopped asking stupid questions, he'd "get it." Or maybe
he'll start to get it if I punch him in the face repeatedly. This is the
guy who's always asking stupid Algebra 1010 questions in class. Look, if
you don't know algebra by your junior year in college, drop out. If
you're not in college and you don't know algebra, kill yourself so you don't
breed another moron like you.
If you don't know algebra by the time you graduate from high school, repeat
the following phrase: "would you like fries with that?" because you're
going to be saying it often.
259,974 assholes go to college because their dumbass parents force them to.