Someone call the CDC, it turns out
that Stupid is contagious after all.

I was sitting in my math class the other day watching the professor fumble through another train wreck of a lecture when a girl sitting one row behind me raised her hand. Clocking in at a healthy 5 questions in under 20 minutes, I could see already that I had no choice but to power bomb her through the wall during break. This girl is one of about five or so in my class, she's about 5.5 ft tall, shoulder length hair, toned body (because she's on the Racquet ball team, which lost by the way), and she always wears jogging pants to class--the kind that make a loud grinding noise when you rub the pant legs together.

While this girl went on to ask her inevitably stupid question which would have made me dumber for listening to it, I started looking around at the morons sitting around me, each one thoughtfully nodding as the girl prattled on with her question, which was now fully realized as being stupid as I had predicted. I've decided that for the benefit of everyone taking (or planning on taking) upper level college classes, that I'd write a quick break down of the types of morons you'll encounter in college. The break down is as follows: first I'll document the main type of women with three sub-types, followed by the 3 main types of guys (different flavors of idiot).

1. There's only one type of woman: gabby.
I know that this doesn't have to be stated explicitly, as everyone already knows that all women are gabby. If you're a woman reading this and you disagree, it's probably because you have your head up your ass. Don't worry, I'll help you realize that arguing about it means that you'd have to write me hate mail, which makes you gabby by definition because nobody gives a shit about this stupid web page or that you were offended by it. So rather than elaborating on this obvious point, I'll move onto the three main sub-types.

i. Haughty bitch
The girl I mentioned above falls into this sub-category. Being one of the only 5 girls in my math class, and having the most toned body, she automatically thinks that all the guys want her, when the truth is that all the guys want her to shut up. This type of woman is usually under the impression that because she's the nicest looking girl in the math class, that she is indeed nice looking on an absolute scale and that she can get away with flirting with the professor to kiss her ass into upper level classes. She'll eventually realize that math majors are too geeky and inept to flirt with her, and that she's too much of a moron to pass the class. Usually ends up transferring to a community college and eventually dropping out.

ii. Always on the rag, cranky-hag.
This type of woman is also known as "super bitch." This is the one that comes in and slams her books on her desk and starts to whine to all her bitch friends about how bad she has it, because nobody else has to work and go to school but her. When you point out the fact that you work over 60 hours per week with a full time school schedule, she'll resort to her last ditch sympathy effort by telling you that she's pregnant, as if you're personally responsible for knocking her up. This type of woman is best dealt with like a Zombie: shotgun blast to the chest.

iii. The loud-mouth chick with a fat face.
Every class has one, you know who I'm talking about. The chick with the fat face who never shuts up. The only time she shuts up long enough for you to listen to the professor is while she's eating the lunch she brought with her (oh go right ahead, eat your sweet and sour chicken in class during lecture, nevermind the fact that class is only 50 minutes long and that you could stand to wait until it's over or skip a few lunches here or there entirely). She's friends with everyone in class on a first-name basis, EXCEPT you. She'll never bother to learn your name because she knows that you're onto her bullshit.

Now onto the guys. There are 3 main types of guys, all of which belong to one of the following categories:

i. The enlightened pseudo-intellectual.
This is the guy who's always challenging what the professor says. Shut up poindexter, if you knew what you were talking about, maybe people would pay to hear you give lectures instead of expecting your dumbass to come to class and shut the hell up.

ii. The eternal muse.
Doesn't quite know what the hell's going on, constantly bewildered by everything the professor says, even if it's a review from last week. The eternal muse always acts really interested in every word the teacher spews, as if it's literally being told for the first time to humanity. Asks a lot of questions, stays after to shoot the shit with the professor who's trying to avoid him so he can go back to his office and think about how much he hates his dumbass students. The eternal muse always fails his classes.

iii. The guy who "doesn't get it."
"I don't get it... I don't get it." Maybe if he'd shut up long enough and stopped asking stupid questions, he'd "get it." Or maybe he'll start to get it if I punch him in the face repeatedly. This is the guy who's always asking stupid Algebra 1010 questions in class. Look, if you don't know algebra by your junior year in college, drop out. If you're not in college and you don't know algebra, kill yourself so you don't breed another moron like you. If you don't know algebra by the time you graduate from high school, repeat the following phrase: "would you like fries with that?" because you're going to be saying it often.

People are the worst.

259,974 assholes go to college because their dumbass parents force them to.

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