Oh no! Not another douche commercial!

Unless there has been a recent outbreak of people eating douche, tampons, and yeast infection treatment, there's no reason for there being so much advertisement for the stuff. I see more tampon and yeast infection commercials than anything else. They should have a channel that plays non-stop yeast infection, tampon, and douche commercials so Lifetime (television for women) can have a direct link to it during their commercial breaks.

They could have infomercials on the Douche channel, and go around city streets to have participants try their new 1-2-3 wonder treatment that will blast yeast out of the universe. With some clever marketing, they could have their own saturday morning cartoon show! They could call it: "Super Yeast Infection Ultra Blasters!" with the four heros: "Tampax, Monostat, Playtex, and Cotex" and the main bad guy would be called "Yeastor", perpetuator of fungii, with his evil henchmen: "Foul Odor" and "Rash".

Who knows? Compared to the crap that kids watch today, it might really take off. No more politically correct power rangers, sugar frosted animaniacs, and pseudo rebelious disney cartoons (goof troop, quack attack etc). Oh, while I'm on the subject, Darkwing Duck is probably the worst series I've seen. I can't stand that show.

Anyway, back to tampons. I hate tampon commercials. There are two main types of tampon commercials (or feminine hygene in general):

  • The young, independant, "I am woman, hear me roar" female of the '90's that has discovered a "revolution" in tampons, made by a "woman gynaecologist", and she giggles and loafs around an appartment frittering her life away on her trivial tampon concerns and her stupid date with some hot-shot jerk that drives a fancy red car that he couldn't afford in a million years in any other country because he was one of those idiots that played high school football and went to prom with the prom queen and goofed off in class while all the other people tried to pay attention so they could get a good enough grade to get into college and maintain a job to pay for their tuition while trying to muster up just enough time each day to eat without having to worry about being criticized by his peers when he doesn't have the time to "have a life" and be cool and go to parties with all the other rich little daddy's boys that can afford to piss away their lives on sexual experimentation, drugs, drinking, smoking and listening to mind rotting MTV and watching alanis morisette while feeling their way up their date's shirt and getting away with it EVERY time because they're rich little pretty boys that can bribe the sheep into keeping their mouths shut because they have no free will and tend to conform to whoever or whatever has the power like zombies because they can't stand to be individuals with their own thoughts for a change, but instead they let some overpaid jackass control them with multi-billion dollar advertisement campaigns with some starved fools that call themselves models do all the talking and force feed tampons, yeast infection treatment, hundred dollar sun glasses, pants, shirts, shoes and horrible music down our throats while we the consumers become consumed.

  • The other kind of commercial always has two women, one being an older, gray haired mother, and the other one being her perky daughter. The mother is perpetually concerned with her daughter's hygene and always tries to pawn off an "old family secret" to her. The secret usually turns out to be a not-so-secret generic tampon you can find in any grocery store. Ho-hum, seen it before.

    Why can't commercials, TV, music, and everything be more original and interesting? How about this scenario for a tampon commercial:

    The same gray haired mother is sitting on a couch talking to her daughter, when suddenly she remembers that there's only one tampon left in the house (because her and her daughter were talking about tampons, as they always do). She notices that her daughter is acting a bit peculiar, so she gets up to go to the bathroom to take the last tampon for herself. The daughter stands up and says "Over my dead body, bitch.." and takes out a sawed off shotgun from under her dress and blows her mother's head off. The mother staggers around the room for a bit, and collapses with a satisfying thud. The daughter screams "Oh no!! What have I done?!", as she realizes that in her shooting frenzy, a stray shot went into the bathroom cabinet and ruined the last tampon. She falls to her knees, sobbing uncontrollably. The camera pans over to the still smoking shotgun lying on the floor. She picks it up, puts it to her chin, and blows her face off. The camera fades to black and some guy says "Tampax... they're that good."

    Well? What do you think? Does it rule or what? Eh? I think it'd be a great idea. To hell with mediocrity, lets have some original stuff like my commercial! Mail me and tell me what you think.. who knows, if enough people like it, they may actually use my idea.

    391,595 people eat douche.

    Available now!
    Join the mailing list here

    Back to how much I rule... New Book Store Email Patreon
    © 1997-2017 by Maddox