I Love Animals... With Gravy!

Health food sucks! Eat More Meat.

Picture of a stupid animal being eaten

I was assaulted by a vegetarian at work the other day. A girl was walking by as I was eating beef jerky, so I thought I'd offer her a piece. Suddenly she goes into super-bitch mode and says "I don't eat meat," and gave me an ultra crusty look (like someone just took a shit on her face). I'm tired of being treated like a criminal by these meat-deprived idiots.

To help you better understand the mentality of these saps, I've put together a rough outline of what I think are the three main types of vegetarians:

  • Vegan/Nazi: This type of vegetarian not only doesn't eat meat, but he or she will try to impose their beliefs onto you with propaganda on TV and radio stations. Vegetarians of this type are commonly afflicted with accute bitching syndrome, or ABS. This is a mental disease not unlike feminism. It causes the victim to bitch about people who choose to eat meat. All animal products are boycotted by this group of fascists.

  • Anti-Meat Vegetarian/Dumbass: This is the most common type of vegetarian. A vegetarian of this type will not eat any beef, poultry, or fish products (less cheese and milk because they're irrational). The ones that keep to themselves aren't a major problem, as they're usually stupid, close minded, and fragile because all of that "organic health food" bullshit has made them weak. On a side note, these types of vegetarians are very fun to tease. Occasionally, you'll find a vegetarian who has backed him or herself into mental corner, so afraid to hurt or kill something that they'll even try to avoid stepping on bugs-- because bugs are living things, and they have feelings too... right? Bwahaha. Worthless.

  • Pseudo-Vegetarian/Coward: This is possibly the worst kind of vegetarian. He or she will only eat poultry or fish products. The only rational explanation for this is that these types of people don't actually care about animals or animal rights, but rather they're looking for a convenient way to lose weight, and they try to make themselves feel like heros while they're at it by not eating beef. This is completely inane and it accomplishes nothing. If I was an eco-idiot vegetarian, my mentality would be "I won't eat meat because killing animals is cruel, and they don't deserve to suffer blah blah blah.." It doesn't make sense to me that eating chicken and fish is okay, but eating beef is somehow less human, as if chickens and fish suffer less than cows, pigs, whales, and any other animal these idiots won't eat. Fools. This type of vegetarian not only doesn't have the will power to be a full vegetarian, but sometimes even has the gall to criticize the morals of people who eat all types of animals.

    There are many different types of vegetarians, but I believe all of them fall into one of the three major categories, and all of them fall under the main category of "Asshole" (not the good kind). I can't help but compare vegetarians to hippies and other such do-gooder bullshit. I can't wait until they day science might discover that plants and trees have feelings, so that all these morons will have to either starve to death or live with the fact that suffering is unavoidable.

    I may have to share this planet with animals, but I'm doing my damn best to eat every last one of them.

    198,678 people think I'm a jerk, and that I should be eaten.

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