Garfield Sucks.

For those of you who never receive greeting cards, Garfield is the orange merchandising turd that creator Jim Davis pinches out every Sunday in newspapers around the world, traumatizing millions with his bland humor week after tragic week.

When he's not licensing the hell out of Garfield with toys, bags, napkins, paper cups, socks, and probably tampons, Davis takes a break from whoring out his creation to occasionally write a new strip. Found in the "humor" section of newspapers, reading the comic is like having a five-finger prostate examination. Many years from now when Davis dies and CNN is undoubtedly squandering precious airtime on the passing of another sanctimonious American icon, historians will look back upon this series as a cancerous lump on the teat of humor strips. There's nothing funny about Garfield. Every single comic starts out the same: Garfield sits around being fat, he eats all the food, and his ambiguously gay owner yells at him:

The cat eats food. Alright, WE GET IT. Move on. Then as if to piss all over our better judgement, Davis has received the National Cartoonist Society: Best Humor award. Twice. Garfield gets awarded for humor and "Family Guy" keeps getting canceled faster than a baby at Planned Parenthood. That reminds me of how much I hate babies. Why does everyone want to save them? There are too many babies. I'm not saying we should kill them, but if you happen to be giving your baby a bath and the phone rings.. well, nobody will judge you. Besides, you might get free brownies out of it at the funeral, and brownies rule.

As if one criminally boring comic after another wasn't enough to dull your senses, "Garfield: The Movie" is poised to hit theaters this summer. I'm impressed that they've been able to take a 2D character with a 1D personality and bloat it into a 3D disaster. With a tagline like "it's all about ME-OW," you can be guaranteed the cinematic equivalence of having your hand fed to a wood chipper when this mind-dump hits the screen. The tagline would be more fitting if it were changed to "it's all about ME-OH-SHIT-I-THINK-I-JUST-HAD-AN-ANEURISM." A movie about Garfield? What next, a sequel to "The Mask" starring a CGI baby?

Update (01-26-04):

Check out some of the email I've received regarding this article:

Date: Wed, 14 Jan 2004 07:16:16 -0800 (PST)
From: stace ahhhhhhh <>
Subject: garfield!!!!

hey jackass you said in your garfield sucks article " what's next? a
sequal to the mask,"

Guess What!! they are planning to make a sequel to " The Mask" good
research genius. even I knew this and I just went to a movie theatre and
saw the poster, maybe some time you should try getting away from your
computer and seeing a movie asshole.

Wow, what a total coincidence. It's almost as if I knew before-hand and was saying it sarcastically because it's a shitty idea for a movie. Yes, I knew there was a sequel to "The Mask" being made when I wrote this article, quit emailing me you morons.

2,733,125 people have never found Garfield or the shitty merchandise associated with it to be funny.

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