Harry Potter's worst foe: Puberty:

First I'll start off by saying that I fell asleep three times during this movie, and I use the word "movie" loosely here as this isn't a movie so much as an endurance test. It's like movie makers are going out of their way to make your bladders explode these days. The reason these types of movies are so long is because all you book reading nazis who go to see these movies always come out saying "the book was better" like you would be able to tell a screenplay from your asshole in the first place. It's not meant to be a book, it's meant to be a movie. Why are all these people going to see the movie if they've read the book anyway? You think anyone cares about all the discrepancies you find? You're not a master detective, and reading a book does not make you an authority. Just sit down, shut the hell up and endure the movie. It's almost like they do it for the smug satisfaction of being able to tell all their annoyed friends in the car "I knew about this a long time ago," as if it was some big secret they discovered. It's the same type of person who if they recommend music to you and heaven forbid you like it, they always have to remind you by chiming in with "yeah, I found it." Great going Magellan, now see if you can find a ride home.

I don't know what they're going to do with the Harry Potter movies. It's obvious even in this one that the child actors are growing up quickly. I could practically see shaving stubble on Daniel Radcliffe's (Harry Potter's) face, and Rupert Grint's (Ron Weasley's) voice was cracking, but it was hard to tell with all that whining he was doing: "oh no a dead cat, time to bitch."

I'm told that there are cool parts in this movie, but I'm skeptical because I fell asleep through them. One thing I was awake for though was the ending. I believe the wizard boss at the end of the movie literally says "you have broken all the rules, you disobeyed my strict orders, you blah blah blah.." and then he follows it with "therefore, I'm going to congratulate you on a job well done." Did I miss something here? He essentially said "you're an incompetent fool," and then he immediately followed it by a statement rewarding them for their incompetence. It's like the audience at this point in the movie is supposed to be saying "OH SHIT, THEY'RE REALLY IN TROUBLE NOW" then the wizard catches them off guard by saying "you kids did a good job" and the audience says "WOAH SHIT! WHAT A GOOD ENDING, LET'S GO HOME AND MASTURBATE." This is another place where maybe they don't need to stick to the book so closely. Who knows, maybe the book had the same self-loving gratuitously sappy ending (and I'll be damned if I'm going to find out for myself), but they didn't have to make the movie the same way. What kind of message is that sending to kids anyway? Break all the rules, disobey your parents, go wandering off like some spoiled little shit who has it too good and then you'll get rewarded? I mean, how cool would it have been if instead of the "therefore you are rewarded" horse shit they made the wizard boss flip out and turn all the children into sausage? Sausage rules!

633,148 people who saw the new Harry Potter movie fell into a deep coma.

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