"I, Robot" in a nutshell:

I, Robot in a nutshell

I saw the movie "I, Robot" recently, a film based loosely on a book written by science fiction author Isaac Asimov. In case you're not familiar with Asimov's writing, here's a list of things the movie had in common with the book:

  • The title.

    I don't know why, but after the movie I came out of the theater wanting to buy a pair of Converse shoes (vintage 2004), have them delivered to my local FedEx station, drive my MV Augusta SPR motorcycle to pick them up, stop by the shop to have my new JVC CD player installed in my Audi, pick up a couple of Dos Equis on my way home, wash it down with an Ovaltine and then invest what money I have left into a mutual fund with Prudential Life Insurance.

    I'm not exaggerating: this movie plugged 5 companies within a 10 minute block of time. That's roughly one advertisement every two minutes. Most whores don't see that kind of action. What makes a good movie good and a movie like this cunny waft is that in a good movie, every shot counts; every word uttered has a purpose. You won't find the characters saying things like "nice shoes" to which Smith replies "vintage 2004." Thanks for the update assholes, we couldn't have figured out that the products you're cramming down our throats actually exist in real life.

    Speaking of sloppy story, they could have cut this movie down to 3 minutes and still said everything they said in its current form. Here's how I would have changed this film: start out with a shot of Will Smith in a grocery store buying a 6 pack of Dos Equis beer, except instead of paying, the cashier is a Dos Equis marketing rep who hands Smith a thick wad of bills. Next shot: Smith finishes the last of the beer, walks over to Isaac Asimov's grave and lets loose:

    Why not? Same message, none of the bullshit.

    Other than giving creative control of the movie's content to advertisers, Will Smith stars as a nudist cyborg cop who has a prejudice against robots (seriously). The director had one tight shot on Smith's ass after another. It was enough to make women in the audience squirm. I even overheard a gay guy in front of me say to his partner "wow, this is pretty gay." Then they started making out, not because they necessarily wanted to, but because they wanted to remind people that they have the right, and a theater is a great place to make a political statement.

    The only cool thing about the movie is that it has robots in it--or so I thought. They turned something as inherently cool as a master race of robots into a blubbering suck-fest of limp-dicked pussies wimpering endlessly about their feelings. Instead of running around beating women, children, and weaker men, the robots stood around baking cup cakes and talking about boys. It was like being in a candle store without a pipe bomb. Bad news.

    Don't see this travesty.

    3,209,291 people liked Will Smith more before he sold out.

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