Ever had your feelings hurt? Are you sensitive to people criticizing your work? Then don't come to my official I Am Better Than Your Kids "hurt-feelings" book tour. I'll be grading your shitty artwork, stepping on your faces and talking shit about and/or to you.

I've been busy over the last couple of years crafting my newest masterpiece, I Am Better Than Your Kids, a 320-page tome of me shitting on kids (that's about the length of a Harry Potter book). Now's your chance to get your art graded by a world-renowned professor of arts, linguistics and foremost authority of pleasured vaginas.

I can't think of a time in my life where I've thought, "you know what sounds awesome? Living in hotels for a month." And yet, I'm doing just that as a way of giving back to you. I'm also giving out tons of free shit on this book tour to people who dress up (schoolgirl outfits, tuxedos, vageyena man, Ash from Army of Darkness, or other cool shit). If you impress me, you may get a prize. Prizes include: an exclusive t-shirt made for the book tour, poster, and possibly a grab bag with my hot sauce and props used in the actual book:

Here's the deal: I don't want to carry around a bunch of shit with me on book tour, so I'll only have 10-15 or so prizes per stop at most. Don't be a little bitch about it.

So in summary:

All you idiots who missed my book tour last time, now's your chance to get your face stomped. Also, for the first time ever, I'm doing a signing in Canada:

Here are the book tour details:

In stores November 1st.
Cancel your plans.
Cancel your life.