The Definitive Guide to the Internet


Recently I've noticed that there are quite a few people who still aren't familiar with all of the common terms and acronyms associated with the internet. So, out of the goodness of my heart, I've decided to help define these terms and acronyms so our new internet friends can feel comfortable using them.


Active X - This phrase is used to distinguish web sites with adult or pornographic content (hence the "X").

AGP - Aroma Gust Protocal. A code used to let other internet users know you've detected a fart.

AI - The gramatically incorrect way of saying "an eye."

ANSI - Children that can't sit still or fidget too much are considered antsy (ANSI is the common internet way of saying this). When you grow impatient with something, tell people you're feeling ANSI (this will make you sound intelligent).

ASCII - Pronounced "Ass Key." This is a term used in most gay and bisexual news groups to let someone know you're interested in them. All ass pirates use an ASCII as their method of exploiting ass. (No relation to real pirates.)

API - This is a short way of saying "a pie." It would be correct usage to say "My friend baked me API."

Bandwidth - This is what the internet had before it became a popular means of distributing pornography.

Basic - A useless programming language designed to frustrate and confuse users (See COBOL for more on useless programming languages).

Binary - This is what real programmers write their code in.

BIOS - BI-sexual Operating System. A politically correct operating system pre-installed on Macintosh systems.

Beta Version - The final state of a program published by Microsoft.

Browser - A program used by people who are intimidated by looking at raw HTML code. (See "Cowards" for more on people that are intimidated by raw HTML code)

Cache - Potentially incriminating evidence... ahem.

CD-ROM - An object that costs approximately 3 cents to make that the music industry uses to cheat hard working people out of $15 dollars with.

CGI - Computer Glossary Index. Anyone that wants to sound intelligent in a computer conversation needs to mention that own a CGI.

COBOL - A programming language with broken, ugly code and ass-backwards syntax.

Compiler - A program designed to tell you how wrong you are. It's a great way to induce stress and frustration.

Compression - The communistic model of government. Or was that suppression?

Cowards - People that are afraid to use vi, pico, or any other unix-based text editor to develop web pages.

Cursor - Pronounced "Curse-OR." The name of a robot from a popular 1950's B movie about a robot that cusses like a sailor.

Database - This is something the IRS uses to check up on honest, hard-working citizens to give them a hard time.

Direct X - Direct access to a site with pornographic or adult content.

DOS - A bastardized copy of the operating system CP/M.

DNS - Destroyed Node Sequence. This is a fatal error caused by a virus on the internet. If you try going to a web site and it says something to the effect of "This site has no DNS entry," promptly turn off your computer and never use it again. Call technical support for advice on how to fix this problem.

Edutainment - Software that is written with the intent to educate and entertain. So far, all work done in this field is theoretical, as entertaining educational software is impossible to make.

FAQ - Fat Ass Quotient. The daily limit of how much time you spend on the internet multiplied by how much candy you eat while you sit around.

Flame - New users are encouraged to ask for Flames. They're messages from people who want to tell you how much they appreciate your existence.

FTP - Free TelePhones. Click on every site that says "FTP" to increase your chances of winning a free telephone.

GIF - A once popular image format, now primarily used for pornograhy banners.

GUI - Gross User Interface (See Windows 95/98).

Hacker - Anyone that uses America Online is a hacker. Hackers often speak entirely with their CAPS LOCK KEY on, so other hackers know who to pick out.

Hex Editors - Programs that let you play around with stuff you shouldn't.

Hub - It's short, reverse polish notation for the phrase "Uber Haxor" (UbH). Most America Online users are Uber Haxors.

ICQ - A program that helps people spend countless hours talking to strangers about Star Trek and other geeky topics.

Internet - A once useful method of exchanging information about math, science and academic research. It's now overrun by wankers, cocky 14 year old dweebs and home pages for people's pets.

IMHO - Integrated Modular Hypermedia Object. Anyone that knows anything about computers uses this phrase a lot. You should use it often too.

IRC - Precursor to ICQ. You know all those cool people who have lives and go out on the weekends? The people who don't go out on weekends hang out on IRC.

InterNIC - A group of people who control the universe.

ISDN - ISDN is needed for people who are impatient or ANSI (mainly people who want to look at porn faster).

ISP - Institute of Stupid People. This is what people are talking about when they say they're affiliated with an ISP.

Java - This word has no real significance other than it sounds really annoying when said fast and repeatedly.

Kernel - The internet way of referring to Colonel Sanders, founder of Kentucky Fried Chicken.

LAN - Lame Ass Network. Most schools, businesses and libraries use a LAN to connect computers together locally.

Legacy Systems - Worthless computers that break down often and cost a company millions of dollars to maintain.

LOL - Lame Obnoxious Loser. If you say something and someone types LOL, it means they think you're a lame ass and they don't like you.

Megahertz - This is what you say when you're wounded or sick. Proper usage would be "My arm megahertz."

Millenium Bug - This is a virus the media has contracted to annoy everyone until the year 2000 has passed, at which time we can all go on with our lives and forget about this bullshit.

Microsoft - Commonly known as the "evil empire," and "world domination, inc." Maker of software caked with bugs. Violently against innovation of any kind.

NNTP - National Nerd Transaction Process. The act of buying Star Trek or Babylon 5 memorabilia.

NYSPOS - No, You Stupid Piece Of Shit.

OOP - Followed by an "s," or "oops," it's the worst thing you can hear from a system administrator.

Ping - The sequel to the popular game "Pong."

PCI - Poor Concept Innovation (See Microsoft).

PPP - Porn Porn Porn! A wanker's paradise.

Quake - If someone challenges you to quake, always accept the challenge and talk as much trash about them as you can. If you happen to win, gloat. If not, quit the game prematurely and be a bad sport about it.

Routers - The magic gnomes that transfer all queries on the internet.

Shareware - Neutered software.

Syntax - Some random rules you have to follow while programming to make your life more difficult.

Surf - All internet savvy people use the phrase "I surf the web" all the time. You should too.

Teleconference - A fancy way of saying "I'm using the phone." Executives love saying this word because they think they sound intelligent at meetings when they do.

Unix - Unix or Uniks are people who have their eye brows grown together so it appears as one.

Usenet - It's how people in Alabama say they're "using 'it'."

Virus - See Windows 95/98.

VGA - Very Gaseous Ass. Someone who farts a lot.

Windows NT - Microsoft's "about-damn-time" solution to Unix's 20 year head start. Popular with people who don't know unix well enough to rely on it entirely.

Windows 95/98 - An operating system riddeled with bugs and ineffective utilities.

Web Master - A web designer with an ego.

XModem - A modem only used for downloading porn.

Y2K - Overhyped bullshit.

Zoom Modems - Modems that are horribly slow and impossible to configure.

That's all I have for now. If you'd like to add anything to the list, mail it to Proper credit will be given.

186,304 people have thanked me for making this reference as accurate as possible.

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