Four things that could have improved The Matrix: Reloaded

I'm not going to review this movie like I normally would, but instead, I'll point out a few ways the Wachowski Brothers could have improved the movie. Before that, I'll say this much about it:

The image above summarizes everything. While it wasn't the holocaust that was Star Wars: Episode I, it was a let down even if you had low expectations: packed full of "deep" philosophical notions, straight out of a Philosophy 101 class full of aging hippies with nappy haircuts. I hate to say it, but they some how managed to make fight scenes boring (something I didn't think was physically possible until I watched this movie--they were too long with no pay off, unless you consider Neo running away like a pussy in every scene a pay off). I know most of you who liked this movie are probably reading this and saying "STUPID MADOX [sic]! YOU JUST DIDN'T GET IT." Oh no, I got it, it's just that once I got it, I didn't want it anymore. There are going to be websites popping up left and right trying to justify this movie, trying to rationalize everything, but there's one thing all these geeks are forgetting: just because a movie makes sense, doesn't mean it's good. There are plenty of movies that make sense, and are about as entertaining as a box of pig shit. So without further ado, here's how the movie could have been improved:

A better actor than Keanu Reeves 1. Replacing Keanu Reeves with a wooden plank with a mean face on it.

The subtle point here is the mean face: without it, Reeves would be on par with a wooden plank, except a bit more rigid. He approaches every scene with the steadfast determination of a moron running into a wall. I have a theory as to why Keanu's acting is so shitty: a long time ago when he "made it big" with Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure, a lot of people were probably trying to kiss his ass because he became a huge celebrity and people are shallow, so they have to fill their boring lives with trivial bullshit like clinging onto celebrities. Since then, he has surrounded himself by suck-ups, and everyone's too afraid to tell him that his acting sucks. It's never going to change, because Keanu (what kind of name is that anyway? Sounds like a foreign car company) keeps surrounding himself by suck-ups, so he'll keep making shitty movies forever. At least if they replaced him with a wooden plank, the plank would have an excuse to have the same stupid look on its face all the time.


The only way to
enjoy The Matrix Reloaded

I wouldn't have minded this movie so much if I would have remembered to bring my Game Boy Advance to the theater. At least then I could have practiced murdering vampires instead of being patronized by stupid bullshit about "causality." Good job you shrubs, you've managed to surface the underlying philosophy of just about every other movie in existence. Man I hate people.

3. A blow job.
Nothing fancy, just a good old fashioned pole polishing.

4. A time machine so you can go back in time and warn yourself not to see The Matrix: Reloaded.

A time machine so you can go back in time and warn yourself not
to see The Matrix Reloaded

Even if you disagree with everything bad I've said about this movie, there's one point I think everyone can agree on: Keanu Reeves' ass does not need to be seen, ever. Not only do they show you his pasty white ass, they do it in the most contemptible way possible: right after a titty scene. They try to trick you into popping a boner, then WHAM. Keanu's corn hole. There's an acceptable degree to how many times his ass can be shown in a movie, and that degree is either 0, or negative (negative means that Keanu Reeves' ass gets cut off, which would rule). On a side note, in case you get in an argument with a Matrix nerd cult member, the "Keanu's ass" argument always wins. It's like playing rock, paper, scissors and sucker punch to the throat. The sucker punch always wins. Don't believe me? Try it: next time a Matrix nerd starts rambling on about "Christological symbolism" and other geeky shit that nobody cares about, just say the magic words. I guarantee you'll either win the argument, or give the impression that you're an acute homophobe. Either way you win.. sort of.

1,839,124 People agree, Keanu's ass is best heard, not seen.

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