Alphabet of Manliness Book Tour Verdict:

I win.

The 2009 book tour for The Alphabet of Manliness: Extended Edition has officially concluded. Necks were broken. Families were offended. Wombs were impregnated--simultaneously. While I am clearly the winner, I can't help but feel the real winner here is still me. Because without me there would be no you. Until next time, here's photographic evidence of the phallus that was rocked:

This guy forgot to bow before he left.

These dudes dressed up like the guy punching the gorilla to recreate the cover. Badass.

And here it is side-by-side with the original cover. I had to rub my eyes to make sure I wasn't seeing doubles. Yep, not even close.

I was only bending over because I had a boner.

I don't discriminate. I sign all boobs, even the very large ones.

Mike picked up a book for his friend in Portland 2 years ago, in which I spat in. So his friend from Portland showed up and had me hawk a little revenge loogie in Mike's book.

I signed an occasional man tit. His nipple was in the way, so I took topographic liberty with the letter 'A.' The marker was destroyed shortly after this photo, as was the camera.

This guy got his forehead signed by my knee.

This dumbass bought only two copies of my book.

My version of the curb stomp.

We are both equally happy about me signing a Wii-mote.

Strongman contender gets his belt blessed. He went on to the semi-finals shortly after I signed his belt (true story).

Sarah Palin signed an Xbox 360 a while back, so some dude brought me his 360 to have me sign it "Fuck Sarah Palin." It sold for $2 million on eBay.

BAM! Titty.

Everyone was cheering until the axe blade came down and I really decapitated this guy. Then there were a few moments of awkward silence while people shuffled around not knowing if the signing was over or whether they should just step over the corpse and continue getting their books signed... it took a moment, but the line continued.


Glory holes.


I asked this dude to do the shocker, but he wasn't sure what it was..

These zombies were trying to bullshit me, as zombies tend to do.

I will tag your face.

You're welcome

This dude asked me to sign his face with my crotch. I suspect he was joking, but I found a way to do it (see next picture).

...and this is how it was done.

That old Chinese dude sitting front row on the left stayed there the whole night and didn't move. First book signing fatality.

Alphabet of Manliness illustrator, Tom Pollock Jr just being a badass mofo.

I was looking to rest my feet and this dude's face looked like it needed my feet on it.

This dude got a speeding ticket on his way over to the event. So I signed it. This probably voided any chance of him getting it taken off his record and may result in jail time.

This guy said he was going to have kids some day. I disagreed.

Nice shirt.

Some smartass came up to me and said he was there for the Rachel Ray signing, so I signed it as Rachel Ray. I'm not sure what the kid was expecting, but probably not this.

This guy's name was too long and pissed me off.

Gouken was my master, and then my bitch!

I came. I stepped on a lot of chicks. I came some more. Awesome times were had by all, but mostly by me, and anyone who missed it is a moron.

Here are the cities and locations that were visited:

When: Tuesday, August 25th - 7:30 PM
Where: Portland, OR: Powell's - 1005 W Burnside

When: Wednesday, August 26th - 7 PM
Where: San Jose, CA: Barnes & Noble - 2200 Eastridge Loop

When: Thursday, August 27th - 7 PM
Where: San Diego, CA: Borders - 1072 Camino Del Rio North

When: Friday, August 28th - 7 PM
Where: Phoenix, AZ: Barnes & Noble - 21001 N. Tatum Blvd

When: Saturday, August 29th - 2 PM
Where: Los Angeles, CA: Barnes & Noble - The Grove, 189 Grove Drive

When: Monday, August 31st - 7 PM
Where: Cherry Hill, NJ: Barnes & Noble - 911 Haddonfield Road
Bonus: Illustrator Tom Pollock Jr., was at this signing!

When: Tuesday, September 1st - 6 PM
Where: Pittsburgh, PA: Borders - 5986 Penn Circles South

When: Wednesday, September 2nd - 7 PM
Where: Ann Arbor, MI: Borders - 612 E Liberty

When: Thursday, September 3rd - 7 PM
Where: Chicago, IL: Borders - 2817 North Clark Street

Prizes were given out to the best costumes. Here's what I gave away:

Want me to come to a city not listed? Set up an event and make it kick ass. If it's awesome enough, I may deign to fly out and bang your girlfriend.

368,806 people got abortions they weren't planning on having because of my book tour.

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