Looking for a safe stance on abortion?
Me neither.

I'm tired of political candidates pussy-footing delicately around the issue of abortion. Every time I turn on the TV, there's always some group of hippies protesting "for choice" or "for life." Each group pisses the other off, and no candidate will take a strong enough stance on the issue of abortion, so I've decided to form a political party of my own:

The Regressive Party

I have a different stance on abortion: I'm against abortion, but for killing babies. That way everyone loses, and I win. I'm neither pro choice, nor pro life; I'm pro you-shutting-the-hell-up. The only way I'd be "pro choice" is if it meant I could choose which babies I could abort, and only then if I could lift the age restriction to 80. I was at this mall the other day watching some shitty documentary when I came out of the theater and saw old people dancing to country music in the courtyard. I couldn't remember the last time I saw a group of people begging this hard to be aborted.

Here is where I stand on other issues:

  • No protests. Under my government, there will be no assembly, peaceful or otherwise:

    Why does everyone always sing the praises of civil disobedience? What good did it do for Gandhi? He's dead. What the hell is civil disobedience anyway? You can add the word "civil" to any crime (and yes, protesting is a crime, or will be if I'm elected in office), and suddenly it has a positive connotation? What next, civil first degree felony with aggravated assault? What's worse is that these black-foots stink up the streets with their VW bugs and harass the officers just trying to crack some skull. Which leads me to my next point:

  • No more police. Police officers will be replaced with a strike force with the ability to tap into your phone conversations, spy on your Internet connection, arrest you for no reason or any reason at all, and interrogate you behind closed doors during secret hearings. It'll be awesome, and if anyone complains, they will be labeled unpatriotic. The beauty of it is that people won't protest because protesters will be victims of police brutality. The reason I say victims is because the punishment for the crime of brutalizing police would be murder. It's the criminals who need to be brutalized, not the police.

  • Vampire hunting will be a government sanctioned profession.


    I can't stand vampires and people who claim to be them. If there are real vampires, then there should be real vampire hunters. I don't have a beef with Mr. Tepes because I think we can all agree that impaling 20,000 people on stakes as a negotiating tactic is sufficiently awesome. What I have a problem with are these 14 year old losers who hang out at raves wearing prosthetic fangs, listening to obnoxious happy-hardcore dancing with giant platform shoes (courtesy of "Hot Topic," because all vampires shop at trendy clothing stores for their pre-packaged sub-culture needs). When they're not busy doing the dishes for their allowance, they're out doing evil things like smoking, staying up past curfew, or reading books on the occult at Barnes & Noble. They join little "sanguinarian" clubs and they change their names to something adequately evil like Raven, Ivy or Memnoch.

    These are the same people who say they laugh during dramas when someone gets killed. We all know a person like this, they think they're morbid and mysterious because they force out a contrived chuckle during a death scene. Oooh, you laughed during a murder, you're so unique and evil. The fact that the number of members in these stupid clubs surge every time a new "Blade" movie comes out eludes them. Who has time for things like facts and responsibility when you're busy "feeding" yourself by having orgies that give you magical powers? Idiots.

  • Ska is banned. Nobody listens to ska.

    That's pretty much it. Oh yeah, I was going to write about how I was going to take away women's right to vote, but that one is pretty obvious since nobody wants women to vote, except for women, and they don't count.

    Update: 11-6-2016

    As a follow-up to a promise I made in the footnote of this article I wrote in 2004, I'm officially running for president 12 years later. This is the first year I'm legally able to run, so here's my official campaign announcement along with some of my major platform policies:

    Think there aren't any viable third-party candidates? Don't be an idiot. Vote Regressive.

  • 2,689,848 people will vote for me not realizing that I can't run for president until 2016.

    Available now!
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