If I Ruled the Universe


First, I'd make everyone dress up like pirates (because pirates rule so much), and I'd have robots do everything (except for the work my slaves do; they'll be doing something pointless like trying to save the whales or something to that effect to keep them busy). Then I'd put all nuclear waste in Alabama (since the water there is already contaminated; how else can you explain all the birth defects? Inbreeding? Oh wait.. nevermind).

Then I'd pass a law that made it mandatory for everyone to vote for me in every election (so I'd always win, bwahaha). They could, however, vote for someone else, as long as I knew who it was so I could bribe them ahead of time. Every once in a while I might fix the votes so it looked like it was a close election, but then I'd always win (because I'd pass a law saying so) to give people false hopes.

Next, I'd take all the toys and candy in the world and put it in my pure ivory palace (I don't know what it is about endangered species that makes such great furniture), and I'd play with them all by myself, until I got bored five minutes later and burned them in front of all the kids I took them away from. I'd also take down all the TV and Radio stations and put up just one instead. I'd call it the "Submit to me or I will burn your house down and destroy your family" channel, or STMOIWBYHDADYF for short. It would play my brainwashing tapes for at least 25 hours a day (directed by environmentalists, since they're so good at brainwashing), and shameless propaganda for the other two. Oh yeah, days now have 27 hours because I said so.

I'd do irrational things like make it illegal to go swimming on certain days, like it is now in Utah, and censor all forms of self expression by making freedom of speech (especially pornography) illegal, so conservative parents can go to video stores without being burdened by supervising their children. I'd make a holiday to exploit love, and make people buy silly little cards and boxes of candy to express their feelings for loved ones, except Valentine's day is already taken. I'd make my birthday a universal holiday and make everyone pay me a "privelage to be ruled" tax. With the money, I'd do something really pointless like found an organization that helped people who didn't need help, just to play with the minds of the low in spirit and poor.

I'd open a telemarketing agency, and employ skilled workers for peanuts and let a few incompetent high school graduates run the company, and I'd instruct them to give everyone that knows what they're doing a hard time. I'd cut corners every chance I get and expect miracles to be performed with mere office supplies. d'I ekam enoyreve etirw sdrawkcab. I'd chanj the way werds were spelld. Then I'd change them back. I'd set France on fire (with the mimes still in it), and then I'd laugh. I'd laugh and laugh, like it was funny, much unlike Bob Saget's monologue. I'd have so much fun as ruler of the universe, I might get carried away and have sex with a 21 year old intern. But that would be irresponsible for a leader to do, wouldn't it?

259,274 people think I should be ruler of the universe.

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