If you're going to wear shitty perfume,
don't ride the elevator.

I almost died on my way to work today. I head-butt my way through the chain smoker blockade in the front of the building as usual and walked over to the busted-ass elevator to ride it to the second floor (I'll be damned if I'm taking the stairs--the elevator was out of service once, I called in sick).

So anyway, I get on the elevator and before I knew what hit me, the door slammed shut and I found myself gasping for air. The elevator was saturated with someone's shitty, cheap perfume. It wasn't just perfume I was smelling, it was farts from old ladies, fast food from McDonalds (I could tell where it was from because it smelled like a mixture of horse meat and rat testicles--I think they're called Big Macs) and lawn mower exhaust (probably from the wood chipper they use on the prisoners in the basement). I couldn't breath it was so bad... I almost became completely asphyxiated.

Why do people wear perfume? It's horrid. Everyone smells like shit anyway, trying to cover it up makes it worse. I'm never going to ride the elevator again unless I have a flame thrower to burn everyone and everything that gets on with me. Courteous hello, or napalm death? Hmmm...

137,138 people stunk up the elevator today.

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