The movie "Signs" in four easy steps:

Another crappy movie getting rave reviews. Unbelievable. The best thing about this movie was the score at the beginning during the credits, and only because the composer, James Newton Howard, ripped off Shostakovich's Chamber Symphony Op. 110a (check it out, Shostakovich's work is much cooler and often plagiarized in Hollywood; for more on plagiarized sound tracks, see the score to "Psycho").

This movie wouldn't have been so bad if it actually went somewhere. It was like a porno with no money shot. One of those slow motion soft-core Showtime specials that start out as being mediocre detective melodrama, but you keep watching any way because it's starring Shannon Tweed and you know there's going to be a shower scene but you know it's going to suck because some dude inevitably comes in and starts man handling her and the camera man does nothing but zoom up on his ass. That's exactly what "Signs" is like: the camera man zooming up on some guy's ass for two hours.

Don't see "Signs."

1,367,871 people who saw "Signs" and loved it changed their minds after reading this review.

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