Sounds I Hate

I am a very petty man. So much so that I spent hours shooting and editing a video about sounds I hate:

Transcript and extra writing below:

Here are some sounds that I hate:

-Leaf Blowers: The sound of a leaf blower is the sound of inefficiency. Leaf blowers are among the shittiest inventions ever made. They blow air out the front and toxic carbon monoxide, hydrocarbons, particulate matter and dust out the back. Running a leaf blower for 30 minutes will emit the equivalent hydrocarbon output of running a car for 7,700 miles at 30 mph. Not that I give a shit about the environment, since left to its own devices, the Earth will eventually be consumed by the Sun in the best case, if an asteroid doesn't shatter us first. But don't let that stop you anti-human pieces of shit from preaching your psychotheory. Check out this chart with a bunch of alarming stats that make granola types stand in front of grocery stores with clipboards:


I can't stand the sound of leaf blowers. I wouldn't mind so much if it was productive noise, like a jack hammer or the sound of a palm hitting the back of a child's head. But what do you get for all this noise? Nothing.

Leaf blowers don't actually do anything. They just blow leaves from one side of your lawn to the other. And in the process, they blow dust, pesticides, allergens, spores, mold and even shit particles into the air. Ever get some dust in your eye while someone was using a leaf blower? Yeah, that might have been a particle from an asshole.

-Coughing: A cough is the sound of a phlegm being born. Sometimes that phlegm never sees the light of day, which means you had an unproductive cough. In other words, your phlegm baby was premature, and your throat just had an abortion.

-Horses: I hate horses. I hate their stupid faces, long snouts, beady eyes, big dumb teeth, fat asses and their shiny manes. But most of all, I hate how horses laugh. They sound like idiots. When I was searching my image archive for pictures of horses I have, I came across this. I made it a long time ago for an article and never used it. Try to figure out what's going on:

-Moisture: Anything that sounds too moist. That includes anyone who sounds too moist.

-Whales: They're stupid and they sound like camels. Here's an MP3 file of the recording: Click here to listen

-Babies crying: Every time I hear a baby cry in public, I do everyone a favor by throwing it away. You're welcome.

-Children Crying: This is different than babies because kids cry so hard that they actually lose their breath for a few seconds. Normally this would be awesome because hey, dead kid, but it ends up being disappointing because they keep breathing a few seconds later.

-Kids laughing: They sound like someone dropping a plate in a restaurant, except that plate is made out of vocal cords. They say that as you grow older, your sensitivity to sounds with higher frequencies starts to diminish. Something to look forward to.

-Kids singing: They suck at it. 10 times out of 10, when someone wants to show you a video of a kid singing, you think "man, I can't wait to be doing... not this."

-NFL Theme Song: The NFL theme song is way too serious. It's a game where you watch millionaires throw a football around. Get over yourselves. It's football. Nobody gives a shit.

-ESPN Sportscenter Theme Song: Sounds like a shitty butt-rock soundtrack to a shitty softcore porn. Seriously, look it up. You can practically smell the Cheetos stains on the mattress as some former jock with sweaty brow plows his fat highschool prom queen.

-Rain: It just makes me want to pee.

-Wrappers: They're too crinkly. I don't know why, but people seem to go out of their way to bring the crinkliest wrappers they can find to theaters. Wrap that shit in latex or cloth. Or better yet, stay home and eat your shitty crackers in isolation.

-Women crying: I hate this sound because I hear it once a day when I tell women that I'm too busy to have sex.

-Dogs: I hate the sound of dogs barking, panting, crying, digging or doing anything. Dogs sound terrible. Think about it: there's not a single thing a dog can do that sounds good. They whine, scratch, dig, drool and shit. None of those things sound good. And God-help you if you ever have the misfortune of meeting someone who has one of those "singing" dogs. Every time someone wants to show me a dog that sings or "talks," it's an exercise in futility as the owner dangles a piece of bacon over the dog's confused head as it growls out something that vaguely sounds like 7-year-old human speech under duress.

-Lip smacking: It makes it sound like your lips are too big for your mouth.

-Reggae: Can we finally admit that, as a species, nobody likes reggae? I know this is a common criticism of reggae, but it all sounds the same and it's common for a reason. There's a video on YouTube that's over an hour long called "Ultimate Old School Reggae Mix." I skipped around randomly on the video and it sounds like the same track. Try it for yourself.

-Cackling: A cackle is to a laugh what a shovel is to a face. For reference, look up any interview done with Adele, Sharon Osbourne or any clip from "The Talk" or "The View." When they're not crying, talking over each other or nodding in agreement, they're cackling.

I may do another installment of this segment in the future, as there are way more shitty sounds than time to write about them. But I'm a great man, and I can make time.

287,535 people thanked me for providing a fully written article to go along with the video.

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