Kicking ass: the perfect job.


I was thinking about possible careers the other day, when I finally thought of the perfect job: kicking ass. Every day I'd get up, eat beef jerky, grab my ass-kicking gear and go down town to kick some ass. I'd go to different places every day, like retirement homes on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays, animal rights conventions/feminist meetings on Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays, and finally, I'd go to orphanages on Sundays and holidays, unless there are any mimes in town (mimes always get priority beatings).

Kicking ass is not for everyone. Specifically, commies, hicks, bleeding heart liberals, and hippies can not become ass kicking administrators. Any of them that say otherwise should be shot. While kicking ass is simple in theory, its execution is complex, requiring an ineptness towards sensitivity, sarcasm and contempt for all life and happiness in general.

Nothing to do while you're dead? Why not become an evil spirit that haunts children?

I was dwelling on how much I hate people the other day, when I decided what I'd like to become after I die: an evil spirit that haunts children! Here are some of the things you could do as an evil spirit:

  • Give little kids nightmares

  • Trick kids into thinking there are monsters under their beds, then make the monsters disappear when their parents inspect

  • You could make ghosts appear when they're alone so nobody believes them

  • You could put voices in their heads so they grow confused and out of touch with reality

    There's more you can do, but why risk doing anything that might take time away from haunting children?

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