Greeting cards you wish you could buy.

I hate holidays just as much as every other red-blooded American. Not because I get time off of work and school, but because of all the bullshit that comes along with it. You have to separate your friends into categories, go shopping for hours and if you're really having a shitty day, you might even have to spend some time with your family. I know.

Here are the categories most people separate their friends into:

  • Tier 1: these are your "close" friends, you always have to buy them the real gifts. If you don't, you might as well get new friends because the bitching and sulking won't be worth it. The rule of thumb here is to find something that you really want, then spend 10 times as much on your friends in hopes that someone will buy it for you. You can not under any circumstance buy this for yourself, you'll screw everything up and then you're up to your neck in moping assholes.

  • Tier 2: Co-workers. You see them every day and it's almost like a membership club. You don't really give a shit what they think, but you want to renew your membership anyway to keep things running smooth. The price? Relatively cheap: a candy bar or a greeting card. Can easily add up, try to work at a job with few if any co-workers.

  • Tier 3: These are your back-up friends. They're people you either went to school with or worked with, and every once in a while when you're desperate you'll hang out with them. You don't really have the best chemistry and they sometimes cling to you for a couple of weeks, it's not worth it. Best to avoid, but if you have no choice, buy them a card and get it over with.

    My problem is that I can never find the type of card I want to give to someone, so I've created these greeting cards for all occasions to give to your friends and family. These are greeting cards you wish you could buy:

    Click on the card to see inside:
    (If the images don't appear, click here.)
    Perfect for people who give you cheap gifts:
    Perfect for thanksgiving:
    What better way to break the news:
    When your friend hits the jackpot or wins the lottery:
    All purpose:

    That pube one is most effectively used if you rake your patch inside the card. Go crazy with it, take a picture of the card down your pants before you give it to them! Girls will especially love this card because if you can't give something from the heart, the next best thing is to give something from the crotch. Enjoy.

    1,222,867 people wish they could buy cards that express how they really feel.

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