I hate Cameron Diaz.

Just when you thought MTV couldn't get more annoying, they give Cameron Diaz her own show called "Trippin':"

Note that the name of the show is "Trippin'" and not "Tripping" because the addition of the letter "g" would not be consistent with the views of MTV's urban youth demographic who tend to frown upon linguistic formalities such as proper enunciation. I mean, proper 'nunciation, yo!

Each episode starts out with me imagining how awesome it would be to punch Cameron Diaz in the face. Nothing too showy, just a quick crack to the jaw to make a believer out of her. I suspect she has a glass jaw like most of the children I fight. Man, just thinking about landing a left hook is giving me a boner. Back to the show though. The theme song states "YOU GOT THE POWER TO MAKE A DIFFERENCE... YOU GOT THE POWER TO MAKE A CHANGE." Wow, thank you MTV, for making me feel empowered and independent, like only a multinational media conglomerate can. Then just when you think you're going to have high blood pressure (permanently), Diaz chimes in with her first person narrative to seal the deal:

I wanted to show everyone how beautiful this planet is and how we're all connected to it... I wanted to travel with my friends to places that are in danger of being ruined...

I hate Cameron Diaz. I remember hearing about how she broke her nose while surfing two years ago. That was the happiest day of my life.

I don't know her, yet I know enough miscellaneous bullshit about her to fill a book. For example, why do I know that Cameron Diaz is dating Justin Timberlake? I don't watch much TV, I rarely listen to the radio, and I avoid celebrity gossip like rape, yet I know the names of the last two guys she humped with that canyonesque twat of hers.

Then as if Cameron Diaz wasn't annoying enough, she brought her "friends" along. In particular, notable environmental activists such as Eva Mendez, rapper "Redman," Drew Barrymore, Jessica Alba, and Blink 182 bass player Mark Hoppus, seen here with a shit-eating grin:

At one point in the show they go to a village made of shit (literally, cow shit) and Diaz calls it "beautiful" and "inspiring." Yeah, just not beautiful and inspiring enough to give up any of the three mansions you own, right you disingenuous bitch?

Every time she opens her gaping mouth, she spews more self-righteous bullshit all over the place. One of my favorite lines is when she says "it's kind of gotten out of hand how much of a convenience we think we need." Diaz, who makes around $20 million per picture and drives a Lexus, was able to say this with a straight face. What the hell is that supposed to mean, "convenience we think we need"? We don't need it asshole, we want it. I like being able to get hot water, hot food, and hot porn whenever I want. Just as soon as you give up your mansion and live in a shit hut with your multi-millionaire boyfriend, we might give a shit about your criticism of the modern conveniences.

When Diaz isn't giggling like an idiot or imparting us with dubious knowledge, Eva Mendez takes the opportunity to fire off her shit cannon:

Village Girl: Hi, my name is Krishna
Eva Mendez: How old are you?
Village Girl: 15.
Eva Mendez: 15? Wow!

Wow indeed, Eva. Way to patronize people in their own country, you stupid cow. Not to be outdone, Drew Barrymore has this to say in another episode: "it was so intense with the loving, feeling, and the tree touching, and the learning." Idiot.

Then as if the crew felt that they weren't being condescending enough, they keep saying "I can't believe how far away we are, we're in the middle of nowhere." Yeah, I'm sure citizens of Bhutan and Honduras appreciate being told that they live "nowhere."

Of course, having a show in which the hosts prattle on and on about conservation and environmental causes, it makes you wonder how they're able to do it without sounding like giant hypocrites as they fly around on helicopters and jets, all while using enough electricity to power a small city. Simply put: they can't, but that doesn't stop them from trying.

The way they try to avoid this nagging ideological contradiction is by stating: "Trippin' has offset all the pollution created from energy use in making the show, to ensure that it would not contribute to global warming." They supposedly do this by buying "clean air credits." Great idea assholes, so instead of owning up to your shitty ideals and not polluting, you pay someone else not to pollute. Maybe we should all try to pay someone off every time we want to do something that might inconvenience us. I was going to go on a diet, but it's too hard, so I'm going to pay someone else to diet for me. I was going to do a show about community service, but doing the actual work was too inconvenient, so I'm going to pay someone to do it for me. Eat shit you elitist morons.

3,329,606 gullible idiots think Drew Barrymore gives a shit about environmental causes.

Available now!
Join the mailing list here

Back to how much I rule... New Book Store Email Patreon
© 1997-2017 by Maddox