Don't Move To Utah


Next to the "It's a small world" ride in Disney Land, it's the closest thing to hell on earth. Here's what you'll be cursed with if you don't heed my warning:

  • Nothing to do for fun, ever. There's nothing to do in Utah. Seriously, stay away. The only "amusement park" in Utah is called Lagoon, a run down cluster of death traps they affectionately call "rides". Find yourself in a state of joyful exuberance as you go around and around on the enchanted merry-go-round. Scream with delight as you go up and down the "random death" carousel (I call it random death because people randomly get ejected from their seats when the safety bars lock up. Joy! Where does the line begin?). Thrill seekers (or the suicidal) might find more appeal in the creeky heap of rotting wood called the "roller coaster". I think it has been 8 months since someone last died on it. Stand in line for 45 minutes until it's your turn to get the wind knocked out of you by the "auto-detect" safety bars that don't auto-detect. Half way through the ride, the hydrolics in the safety bar go out, and so do you. I'll pass.

    Some people, however, like the night life of Utah. I think there are 4, no wait.. 5 clubs to go to. Full of obnoxiously loud "music", pre-pubescent teenagers caked with STD's, and oh-so-rebelious "players". The dance clubs reek of lameness. Go there only if you're the kind of person that goes out and buys every new album they hear on the radio, and stands in line to see the Titanic (these type of people are more commonly known as suckers).

  • Horrible local television. The news in Utah is biased, full of pointless drivel, and on par with an average B-movie for choreography. Tune in if you like to be brainwashed by painfully bad public service announcements. All the public service announcements feature a down-to-earth teenager with "real" problems that teens have to face every day, like drinking, smoking, drugs, rape, and violence. Oh how nice, they want to help troubled teens.. I guess I'll wait until the end of the commercial to write down the toll-free number so I can call if I need help. Okay, it's almost over.. wait, what's this? Shameless corporate advertisements from AT&T, Subway, IBM, and more? But I thought they were genuinely concerned about me? Or it seems now, my money. All the public service announcements serve to do is sneak in some more advertisements under a shroud of good intentions and shoddy advice. Worthless.

  • Everything is illegal in Utah. Fireworks, pornography and fun are prohibited. Recently, a movie store was raided and shutdown because they carried adult videos in the back of the store in a room clearly marked "Adult". A raunchy old hag was seen on the news advocating the seizure by saying "our community doesn't want that filth in it". Oh, excuse me Mrs. "I'm an old hag that thinks my values are more important than anyone else's so I see it fit to force everyone to give up their constitutional rights".

  • The schools here suck. I went to Woods Cross High School. The teachers were nazis, the classes sucked, and our principal was an asshole that made our school bankrupt. Every cent the school had was dumped into our sports teams (all of which sucked, by the way). The worst was our football team. They never won anything because they sucked. I remember hearing about one game in which the final score was 48 - 0. We should have just spent that money on building an ass-kicking machine so the members of our football team could stand in line to get their asses kicked. It would have done the same thing as letting them get their asses kicked against another team.

  • The food here blows. There's no place decent to eat.

  • The traffic is horrible. We're hosting the winter olympics in 2002, and our corrupt local government decided to overhaul the freeways. Who cares about the olympics? It's not worth the trouble. Prices are going to go up for tourists when they come, and they're going to stay higher when they leave. Who needs it?

  • The people here are jerks. After all, I'm here. We don't need any more people in Utah, we have no vacancy. Unless your preferred method of procreation is incest, you probably wouldn't like living here.

    I can't say enough bad things about Utah. Nobody in their right mind would live here by choice. I'd almost consider living in Alabama over Utah. Almost. A good test to see if someone's mentally sound is to give them the option to live in Utah or Alabama. If they choose either, they're wrong. It's a trick question: death is the only sound choice.

    244,508 people live in Utah, and regret it.

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