Video games you'll never play.

Remember when it was okay for a video game to not have convex volumetric fog rendering and bilinear interpolated textures to be fun? Since when did it become acceptable for 30% of your system's resources to be devoted to rendering shadows, atmospheric scattering, ambient light effects, and all this other superfluous bullshit that game coders keep adding to their engines so they can win some imaginary pissing contest?

Nobody cares about graphics if the game plays like dog shit. I'm bored to tears with first person shooters. Changing the theme from one time period to another isn't enough anymore, assholes. Did someone beat you to the punch on that killer WWII shooter you were making? Don't worry, just take the same concept, change a few textures, and call it Battlefield Vietnam. We won't notice. Hell, why not Battlefield Korea?

So I've decided to make a few video game ideas of my own. Games you haven't seen before, and probably won't see in the near future:

Crazy consultant 1. Guess Who Forgot To Read The Demographic Charts!
A game where you try to shift blame for poor sales so you can keep your job as an overpaid consultant. You were hired by some asshole in upper management who's trying to cover his ass at board meetings with statistics about sales figures (ie, making shit up), but instead of looking at obvious historical and demographic trends, you cave in to pressure from women's rights groups and Joe Lieberman's spirited backlash at the video game industry due to his years of crippling impotence. The only game you've ever played is "Myst," but you have a master's degree in public administration, so that qualifies you to green-light the latest Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen "game," which really isn't a game so much as a sack of soggy dicks.

You get bonus points for every additional year you keep your job while avoiding every major video game release, cementing your reputation as a notoriously stupid sellout asshole.

Managerial Bros 2. Super Managerial Brothers
In this game, your brother is the manager of an accounting firm, so you get a job and push the envelope every day by sleeping at your desk, taking three-hour lunch breaks, leaving early, and going to the bathroom every 10 minutes so you can masturbate.

Besides being a lazy douche, you fritter away all the money you didn't earn on cheap beer and football memorabilia because you "almost went pro" in college. Of course, you can never be fired because you can milk the family card as long as your brother works at the firm, but the game ends when the work piles up so much that you can't avoid actually doing some.

3. Identity Crisis!

Identity Crisis!

It's the year 2004 and nobody knows what's cool anymore! Drift aimlessly from one social trend to the next as you eventually find yourself converging to the ultra-hip world of box-framed glasses and studded belts known as "EMO." You have dyed-black hair that is engineered to look messy, but it's not spikey enough to be punk. You wear a skin-tight v-neck argyle sweater and black converse shoes--an amalgamation of old and new. You are a walking paradox. You are EMO.

You're not bound by the confines of traditional denominational religions, yet you're not confident enough to have an independent thought in that thick, vacuous skull of yours, so you dabble in trendy philosophies like Kabbalah and tribal mysticism. The game ends when you stop sucking manufactured cool from MTV's teat long enough to realize what a dumb son of a bitch you're being.

Whore 4. Corporate Whore

You're a struggling writer whose writing happens to suck, but fortunately for you, the sucking doesn't stop there. Ride your shitty script from one producer to the next, armed only with your glossy lips, tube of chap stick, and a powerful set of lungs.

Some of the troubles you'll encounter are: trying to cope with your hopelessly inadequate talent, flirting with repugnant men with smelly balls, and living with yourself for being such a shameless whore.

Banker 5. 30 Something Investment Banker

You're 31 years old, have a six-figure income, and a receding hair line, but you've spent the last 10 years of your life amassing a small fortune as an investment banker; your financial success is punctuated with your 7 series BMW, and new yacht. You're the man, except for one small problem: you can't get laid.

Go on an adventure from one bar to the next trying to piece together the social life you neglected by being a money-hungry prick. Challenges include overcoming the social stigma caused by years of greed driven self-loathing, only to realize that people only a fraction as rich are living miserable lives too!

Prepare to suck down 9 millimeters of cold hard lead when you decide to take the easy way out like the compromising chicken shit you always were.

3,726,988 people will never understand what's being said here.

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