When is the last time a whale did anything for you?

Whales suck.

I just have one question about whales: who cares? All I ever hear are people pissing and moaning about saving the whales. Why save the whales? Screw them, what have they done for me? How would you like to go to the beach one day and read a sign that says "Sorry, all out of water." Not likely? Think again. Here's a little fact about whales that not many people know:

Whales are drinking all our water and eating our sailors.

When they're not busy ravaging the high seas, they're getting beached and rotting to death out of spite so nobody can enjoy the beach.

Then there are the people who say whales are smart. If whales are so smart, then how come they still haven't learned to breathe under water like everything else that lives in the ocean? They've only had 40-million years to do it and they still don't have their shit together. And now researchers are saying that they've found gay whales. Duh.

Is it too much to ask for a whale to save me for a change? When is the last time you procrastinated by putting up a stupid web page instead of studying and a whale saved your ass during the test? Never. In fact, when is the last time a whale did anything other than some stupid trick like jumping out of the water? Ooh, the whale can jump out of the water. Big deal. Try building an oil rig, then I'll be impressed asshole.

871,945 whales came to this page but left because they can't read.

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