Pedometer Results:

Suspect: Pedophile?

Fernando Arenas Collazo:

Fernando is wanted for "murder with a deadly weapon" according to the FBI website. As opposed to being wanted for murder with a non-deadly weapon?

Status: At large


Dennis Ferguson:

Ferguson, seen here with extra creepy, is an Australian pedophile who molested three kids. The Judge who sentenced him said his chances of rehabilitation were "nil," so they sentenced him to 14 years. Bang up job you can eaters.


The Jesus:

The dude's a pederast.


Calvin Maurice Cooley:

Not only wanted by the FBI, but also the fashion police for having the worst comb-over in the history of the universe. That's not to say that if his hair were fixed, he'd be a contender for People's sexiest man alive or anything. He'd still need a shave, a diet, a new face, and a different name. Words that end in 'y' piss me off. Then maybe, but it'd still be a long shot.

The official FBI report states that Cooley went to a man's house, pulled out a gun and demanded money from him. No creativity points for Cooley. If you're going to rob someone, you don't just walk up to their house. That's stupid. I don't mean to imply that if you're robbing someone you're not stupid already, but at least put a little effort into it. A Santa mask or something; maybe a chin dildo. Make it festive.

Status: At large


Elizabeth Anna Duke:

Elizabeth Duke is possibly the only person on the FBI list wanted for communism. What a bitch! Duke was a member of the extremist group, May 19th Communist Organization, whose objective was the violent overthrow of the US. The group was largely active from 1978 to 1985, at which time they got busted and thrown in jail where their new objective became to prevent any violent uprisings in their ass. She's the only one still around. It's not really a group anymore if it's just you, dipshit! America wins.

Status: At large


Elby Jessie Hars:

Okay, here's a tip: if you're doing something creepy like molesting children, you don't need to take topless photos of yourself to seal the deal. We know, the pedosmile is enough.

Elby was charged with having sex with a minor in 2000 (although it might have been a miner when you take into consideration the deep fissure between his teeth), and took a plane trip to avoid prosecution. The FBI didn't have to search hard to find out what flight he was on that day, they simply checked the passenger list for single travelers who bought two seats together. Plus his name was on the list, so that helped.

Status: At large


John Bolton:

John Bolton is proof that looks can be deceiving. Though a moustache that looks this menacing might send up red flags, Bolton is no pedophile. His sexual deviancy is limited to allegations of coercing his first wife into group sex at a swinger's resort.

Other than that, the only thing you can pin him with is that whole trumping up the case for war using forged uranium enrichment documents that the CIA called doubtful, but still, he hasn't molested children and I think we can all agree that's admirable.

Status: Still a douche


William Claybourne Taylor:

William Taylor looks more like Lurch from "The Adam's Family" than any person should, including the actor who played Lurch:

He's wanted for trying to kill the mayor of Williston, Florida in 1977, but killed an INS agent instead. Nice going dumbass.

Status: At large


Debra Lafave

When she's not airing out her gum holes along with those enormous teeth, it's fair to say that Lafave is possibly the hottest pedophile ever. She was arrested for having sex with a 14-year-old student of hers. Her initial defense was to plead insanity, which would have been a bullet-proof argument because a woman of her hotness would have to be out of her mind to sleep with a 14-year-old boy when there are 27-year-old website authors standing at the ready.

Status: Working out a plea deal.


Sheik Ahmed Yassin

When I first saw this picture, Yassin looked really familiar. Then it hit me:

Holy shit! Sheik Ahmed Yassin is really Saruman from "Lord of the Rings!" It's hard not to cast judgement when seen in unfortunately suggestive photos like the one above. I guess a Hobbit could be considered a poor man's child if you were really hard up. Saruman spent all his time trying to get Hobbits. Yassin looks like Saruman, and is seen here trying to get some lip from strangely Hobbitesque a boy. Hmmm..


Richard Steve Goldberg

Richard Goldberg looks a bit like comedian Gallagher in this mug shot, but it wasn't until I found another picture of Goldberg, seen here wearing a crown, that I was convinced:


Status: Goldberg has the dubious honor of being on the FBI's top 10 most wanted list.

Update (05-13-07): Captured in Quebec, Canada probably due to the awareness raised in this article. And an FBI investigation.


Patty Ann Kenley

Kenley is alleged to have sexually assaulted her eleven-year-old stepson, then ditched out on bond. The FBI says Kenley has ties to Arkansas. Talk about trying to find a needle in a hay stack.

Status: At large


Eva Maria Malczewski

The notes on the FBI's site claims that Eva has "full lips and crooked front teeth." She's wanted for bank embezzlement. In fairness, braces are expensive these days.

Status: At large


James J Bulger

According to his wanted poster, Bulger likes to take long walks on the beach (I'm not making this up), loves animals, and frequents animal shelters. Other than extortion, drug deals, and mob hits, he could be your grandpa. Bulger is also on heart medication. I don't know much about being a crime lord, but I can't imagine that it does much for your status.

Status: At large, top 10 most wanted
Caught, thanks to me: Whitey Bulger arrested.


Edward Claire Reisch

Again, the pedosmile is a dead giveaway. Too easy.

Status: At large


Warren Steed Jeffs

Warren Jeffs is the leader of a polygamous sect of Mormons called "Fundamentalist Latter Day Saints;" an offshoot from the mainstream religion. He is estimated to have 10,000 followers, and is alleged to have boned a minor.

It's interesting how many leaders of cults tend to bone minors. Must be something in the Kool-Aid.

Status: Update (08-29-06): Captured.


Lorrie John Trites

Lorrie John Trites is wanted for illegal wire tapping. So he spied on people without a warrant, what's the big deal?

If it's good enough for the bold leadership of this country, why isn't it good enough for its citizens? Besides, Trites can make a solid argument if he's ever caught. Specifically, that Presidents Roosevelt, Wilson, Nixon, Lincoln and Washington also used electronic surveillance, and if one or more presidents in the past have done it, then it must be right despite new laws that explicitly prohibit it. So that's that.

Status: At large, but only guilty on a technicality, so he's not really a criminal


Senorita Walker

If you've ever wondered what someone who's horny enough to pay a bunch of adolescents $5000 in cash in exchange for some action looks like, take a good look at Ms. Walker's picture. Three words: battery operated dildo. Or if you happen to be a stickler for brevity like I am, just one word: cucumber. Because, damn.


You guessed 0 of 18 correctly (%0.0). Your grade: F-

Out of 3,717,066 people who took this test, the average grade is: C

How to interpret your score:

Ideally you want a score that's right in the sweet spot: mid-to high 80s, low 90s. Anything lower than that means you shouldn't be hiring nannies or baby sitters. Anything higher means you're way too good at seeing child molesters, and you probably shouldn't be hiring nannies or baby sitters either.

3,717,066 FBI agents have thanked me for raising awareness on some of their most wanted fugitives.

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