Stupid Fan Mail:

For years I've read stupid fan mail and rather than lash out at them, I've always turned the other cheek. People keep asking me for help with their homework, stupid questions about what kind of music I listen to (like it matters), and send me more misspellings and grammar mistakes than even the worst of my hate mail. So I've decided to post some of the fan mail that I hate most. Here are the ground rules:

  • No email addresses will be published in this section.
  • All fan mail is unedited and presented in its entirety, unless noted otherwise.
  • Fan Mail:

    Date: Wed, 20 Aug 2003 03:12:01 -0400 (Eastern Daylight Time)
    From: ##############
    Subject: pop-ups


    There are pigs that can manipulate joysticks, yet you morons can't even send me an intelligible email. I can't read this, and I'm not going to try. If you can't spell or use proper punctuation and grammar, don't email me. In fact, here are some helpful guidelines so you can know when NOT to email me:

  • If your keyboard doesn't work, don't send me email.
  • If you're going to be cute and use the word "tha" instead of "the," don't send me email, it will only piss me off.
  • If you're an idiot and don't know what an "argument" is, don't email me (this means you, Ms. "I don't know the difference between a proposition and a quarrel," you dumb bitch).
  • If you tend to use the acronym "LOL" a lot, don't bother trying to remember not to use it in the email, it's just easier for you to not email me. Whatever it is that you have to say probably isn't important because you're an idiot.
  • If your email starts out with the phrase "I'm emailing you because I'm bored," save my DELETE key some wear by not sending me email.
  • If your age consists of a single digit, DON'T SEND ME EMAIL, YOU DON'T KNOW ANYTHING.
  • If you want to show me what a righteous and forgiving person you are by cursing me to hell don't bother, I've heard it all.
  • If you found your kids looking at my page and you don't want them to read it anymore, learn to discipline your children and spare me your incessant bitching.
  • If your email ends with "I guess I went off on a tangent," you're a dipshit, quit wasting my time.
  • Don't beg me to post your email, if your writing was that great to begin with, you'd probably have something better to do than to beg strangers on the internet to publish your witty retorts.
  • I know you think you're the first person to discover the fat Star Wars kid video, and although everyone enjoys the timeless humor of a kid twirling a pole, assume that everyone has already seen it and DON'T SEND IT TO ME OR ANYONE ELSE. To be on the safe side, format your hard drive and cancel your internet account.
  • If you find yourself using a thesaurus more than twice per email, you're an idiot. Stick to what you know: drinking $6 frappuccinos and reading the latest Anne Rice novel while you write entries for your stupid blog that nobody reads.
  • "Dope" is not an adjective.
  • Don't assume I know which article you're talking about. I've written over 400 articles to date, you sound like a jackass when you send me stupid shit like "I totally agree, they should be launched into the sun!" Who: Goths? Old People? Children? Be more specific.
  • That about covers it for now. If you're going to send me an email and you're not sure whether or not it's stupid, play it safe and presume it is. Together we can make my inbox idiot-free.

    Had enough fan mail? Here's my bullshit hatemail...

    Oh, and by the way:

    That's how it is.

    1,621,879 dipshits have sent me fan mail.

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