Trinity dies.

Hopefully if the title of this review wasn't enough to deter you from seeing this movie, the fact that I just ruined the ending for you is. All you losers who emailed me after I ripped apart the last cinematic train wreck trying to defend the movie with promises of "all the questions" being answered in the final chapter of this trilogy were wrong. Not just wrong like "oops, I'm a philosophy major," I mean wrong like you just invested your retirement in Enron.

Where to start? First, the good things about this movie:

  • If you happen to be George Lucas, you can finally rest assured that you're no longer the only person in history to ruin an almost impossible-to-ruin sequel.
  • Trinity dies.
  • There was a preview for the new "Lord of the Rings" movie.

    It took me literally 20 minutes to write that last paragraph because everything else about this movie was shitty, except for the special effects, which aren't as impressive as they used to be. There's something about seeing "bullet-time" special effects in Lebanese music videos that doesn't make it cool anymore.

    The dialogue is tacky, not unlike a pregnant woman in a bathing suit (unless you're into that sort of thing, in which case you might find the dialogue strangely erotic). For example, any time a character asked the question "what do you want?" It was always answered with "the same thing you want." The pain you suffer during this movie registers somewhere between being jack-hammered in the face and having scissors jammed into your urethra:

    I just remembered how boring this movie was and it's pissing me off. Then this dumb bitch sitting next to me kept getting excited and yelling at the screen "close the hatch, close the hatch!!! Don't let it get you!!!" Thanks moron, I'm sure the actors on screen will take note of that, because they're not just beams of light shot through a shitty projector in a shitty theater in shitty Utah. They should have called this movie The Matrix: Stupid Boring Dog Shit Part III. I give my word to retract 100% of my statements about this movie if the DVD is subtitled "stupid boring dog shit part III." It'll never happen.

    Update: I've been getting quite a bit of email from people asking me to post a warning on my review if it includes any spoilers, so here you go: warning, this review contains spoilers.

    I've saved 1,862,235 people $7.50 each with this review.

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