Instead of explaining anything or answering any of these questions, the movie tries to be all coy and clever by making us guess what the director & writers were thinking. I'm so tired of movies and TV shows using this device in lieu of good story-telling. There has been a trend of movies and TV shows having "non-endings" since the season finale of "The Sopranos" popularized it. Writers and directors do this because there's too much pressure to create an ending that people will like, so they decide to make no ending at all. It's lazy, cop-out bullshit. If I wanted to write my own ending, I'd stay at home and have a lesbian orgy on a trampoline. But why stop there? If I'm going to imagine the end, I might as well imagine the beginning and the middle and just save $12. All these unexplained questions reek of a sequel I'm not paying to see. Throw us a bone here, or fuck off with your expensive-ass, 3D movie. *Note on spoilers: if you're the type of moron who clicks on a movie review and expects a warning about spoilers, it's time for you to climb a bridge and reflect on life and the decisions you've made. There's no such thing as a good movie review that doesn't contain spoilers. Also, what does it even mean to have a movie "spoiled?" Someone gave away the ending? Boo hoo! You watch a movie for the experience and story telling, nobody cares about you having some personal revelation about the plot the first time you see the movie. Everyone knows how every superhero movie ends (here's a spoiler: the superhero always wins--gasp), yet billions of people still watch them. If spoiling a movie mattered, then people wouldn't own movies they've seen before. I will never list "spoiler alert" to placate you dipshits, so spare me your tearful pleas. Tweet
Scientists suddenly become brave: Then there's the scene where the geologist and biologist are lost, scared and bumbling through the cave when they come across a penis-monster. Suddenly, instead of being scared and cowardly, they have a bout of braveness and curiosity, and start performing involuntary fellatio on cave slugs. This sudden change of character isn't explained. Of course, these are the same guys who minutes earlier were notified of life being detected to the West of their location, and they suddenly get their bearings and know to head East even though they got so disoriented that they got lost and missed the entrance to begin with. Weak. Vickers is an incorrigible bitch: Then there's the uber-blonde ship-bitch, who looks like the end result of a millennium-long Eugenics experiment. She has sand in her vagina right from the beginning and wants to turn the ship around as soon as they got there, for no reason. The greatest discovery in human history doesn't faze her, and neither does Captain Janek's dong. She's emotionally monotonic and barely more human than David. No explanation given, she's just horny for angst. Captain Janek is persuaded to kill himself with platitudes: In a 5-minute scene in the movie, we learn that Janek, a heretofore minor character in the movie, doesn't care about anything outside of piloting a ship. Shaw presses him with one line of dialogue to the effect of, "well there has to be something you care about." That one line of dialogue persuades him to kill himself to save humanity. Janek's ship-mates kill themselves because fuck if I know: Even if we're to believe Shaw's sentence of persuasion was powerful enough to convince Janek to sacrifice himelf, it still doesn't explain his ship-mates who inexplicably decide to join him, without so much as the benefit of the same pep talk. Everyone just mysteriously knows what's at stake and is ready to lay it all out on the line like blissful idiots. Zombies: I'm so sick and tired of zombies in pop-culture. I can't wait for another 5-10 years until this stupid zombie craze dies down and we can watch movies and news again where they don't try to ram-rod zombies into the story every chance they get. Some of the infected crew come back to life and have super-human strength, which again, isn't explained, original, or interesting. Scientists in the future are idiots: We're expected to believe that world-renowned archaeologists don't know the dangers of removing their oxygen helmets in an alien environment, because apparently this is an alternate universe where bacterial infection isn't a concern. "Hey guys, this dome we found on a deserted moon around a gas giant in a solar system millions of miles away from Earth has oxygen! Time to take off our helmets." Even if they weren't aware of the threat of microbial infection, even someone with a basic knowledge of science knows that you also risk contaminating the alien world with your own bacteria, potentially wreaking havoc on their native life. Cryogenic technology exists: Weyland tries to reverse his aging by asking the aliens for answers, even though cryogenic technology has safely maintained him. And he kept his presence on the ship secret for yet another unknown reason. No aliens: This might be the biggest bait and switch of the century.
584,309 people weren't expecting zombies in Prometheus, but were expecting Aliens.
Back to how much I rule... • New Book Announcement • Store • Email • • Tweet