Unintentionally sexual comic book covers: part 1

I was going through a stash of old comic books the other day, when I came across several that seemed a bit odd; not in the sense that the comics were strange or unique, but rather, because beneath the seemingly innocent veil of child-like artwork was a subtle nod towards debauchery. The artists who created these covers probably never meant for them to to be used as spank fodder, but being the mean-spirited, immature, asshole that I am, I've decided to do the only thing that a grown adult would do: point out juvenile observations of unintentionally sexual acts on comic book covers.

1. Moon Pilot
The caption on the cover suggests that the comic is about an astronaut who crash lands his rocket into a spongy yield of hot alien vagina. The picture, however, suggests a completely different story.

Now, I'm no expert on primate facial expressions, but I think the look on the monkey's face can best be described as: concerned. Of course, I too would be concerned if a moon-bound astronaut mistook me for being a girl from outer space and wanted to make sweet love to my monkey butt. And maybe I'm reading too much into this, but you can only see one of the astronaut's arms on the cover. I'll let you connect the dots, but I can say this much: I've only seen a grin like that on a man's face one other time, and my parents made sure to lock the door from that day on.

 

2. Blek le Roc
This is a French comic that comes from an artist whose work first appeared in a magazine called "Pim, Pam, Poum, Pipo" (a name considered pompous even by French standards).

The cover depicts a jubilant young male wielding a giant, burgeoning, meat staff, beating some poor schlub senseless over the head. I shudder to think how the story would unfold from this point, but I think one could safely assume that it would involve: lubrication, limping, and the humiliation associated with being raped by a giant slab of salami (if any).

 

3. Superboy
When I came across this comic, I was surprised to find not one, but two covers depicting Superboy as a whipped-ass bondage slave:


Of course, the spanking on the cover implies that Superboy has indeed done something to earn the title of a "bad boy;" perhaps in between brief stints of preventing robbers from burglarizing booty, Superboy was caught robbing booty from burglars.

Whatever the misdeed, his father has taken it upon himself to spank Superboy's pasty white ass raw, in what can only be concluded as an attempt to debase the puritan moral code of its time with depraved sadomasochism.

4. The Rifleman
You could arrange a boy holding a pile of wood, and a cowboy staring knowingly into his eyes all day long and not get a more suggestive pose than this.

For the sake of critical analysis, I've decided to make a silhouette of just the cowboy and the logs shown here:


It's every man's dream to have a penis so large that he must hire a small boy to carry it.
 

5. Tarzan
I can only imagine the condition of a society in which a comic featuring wet, well-trimmed, virile young man gazing romantically in a monkey's eyes could be published without raising some serious red flags.

A closer inspection of the monkey's face tells an unspoken story of forceful, untamed monkey love:


The monkey is seen here massaging its neck, perhaps in duress from the pain caused by having blood vessels ruptured in the back of its throat, undoubtedly from eating a banana too quickly; either that or wang.

That's it for part 1. I just bought a new keyboard, so if you're wondering when part 2 will be posted, feel free to email me so I can break in my delete key.

5,384,287 comic book covers were engineered with the intent to subvert the innocence of children.

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