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The Best Page in the Universe 2003 archive

This page is about me and why everything I like is great. If you disagree with anything you find on this page, you are wrong.

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Am I right or what?

Phrases that make my blood boil.
(Updated: 12-22-03)

A tribute to real men.
(Updated: 12-08-03)

Oops! You're racist.
(Updated: 11-18-03)

The Matrix: Revolutions is boring and shitty.
(Updated: 11-10-03)

(Updated: 11-03-03)

Finally: the reason I'm such an asshole revealed (new hate mail).
(Updated: 10-19-03)

How to render the Segway obsolete.
(Updated: 10-16-03)

McDonald's new ad campaign is an anagram for "ailing vomit."
(Updated: 10-06-03)

Going to Thailand? Don't forget your jackass discount card.
(Updated: 09-30-03)

Ikaruga: a modest review by a modest man.
(Updated: 09-08-03)

Things Elizabeth Smart could have done to escape her captors.
(Updated: 09-01-03)

Not sure if you're an idiot? Play it safe and don't send me email (new fan mail).
(Updated: 08-25-03)

How is it possible that a guy with a small penis and a hairy back is more powerful than Pepsi on the Internet?
(Updated: 08-18-03)

We know you're a cranky bitch, you don't need the bumper sticker.
(Updated: 08-05-03)

Proof that wealth can't buy class: the top four ugliest cars on the road.
(Updated: 07-21-03)

Take your X-TREME marketing and shove it.
(Updated: 07-07-03)

A shampoo recommendation for cry-baby pussies (new hate mail).
(Updated: 06-30-03)

Christopher Reeve is an asshole.
(Updated: 06-24-03)

My balls are huge.
(Updated: 06-16-03)

Four things that could have improved The Matrix: Reloaded.
(Updated: 05-23-03)

How to keep obnoxious teens out of a theater.
(Updated: 05-13-03)

How not to impress anyone (new hate mail).
(Updated: 05-08-03)

Would you like to bomb Iran?
(Updated: 05-05-03)

It's a dumbass marathon (new hate mail).
(Updated: 04-20-03)

Twenty-six things a perfect guy would do, and other propaganda disseminated by misguided women.
(Updated: 04-03-03)

Wireless internet may very well destroy our chances of contacting intelligent life.
(Updated: 04-11-03)

Who would make a better president: Bush or a box of Tic-Tacs? An objective analysis.
(Updated: 03-16-03)

How to become an obnoxious internet cam whore in five easy steps.
(Updated: 03-03-03)

I wonder if Jenny Jones can come up with a topic that rhymes with "canceled."
(Updated: 02-27-03)

Two characters that were missing from the new Daredevil movie.
(Updated: 02-18-03)

How to win the war and make big savings.
(Updated: 02-15-03)

Why change your car's oil when your girlfriend can do it?
(Updated: 02-09-03)

Greeting cards you wish you could buy.
(Updated: 02-01-03)

Bush: making political satirists obsolete since 2000.
(Updated: 01-28-03)

How to piss off credit card companies and get away with it.
(Updated: 01-17-03)

Hollywood: still out of ideas? How about another black-guy-meets-white-guy comedy?
(Updated: 01-13-03)

PETA: preventing suffering as long as it's not too inconvenient (new hate mail).
(Updated: 01-09-03)

Five questions that will dictate your personality for the rest of your life.
(Updated: 12-31-02)

Guiltless grill? Is there another kind?
(Updated: 12-20-02)

Wearing a Japanese shirt doesn't make you Japanese.
(Updated: 11-13-02)

Too much of an uncreative, no-talent loser to come up with your own material? Why not plagiarize me instead?
(Updated: 10-30-02)

More crappy children's art work.
(Updated: 10-04-02)

Why stop with a muppet with AIDS?
(Updated: 09-23-02)

Seven reasons why the Xbox can suck it.
(Updated: 09-24-02)

Love your kids? Prove it by beating them.
(Updated: 09-02-02)

The movie "Signs" in four easy steps.
(Updated: 08-11-02)

Michael Newdow: feel free to exercise your right to blow me.
(Updated: 06-28-02)

I am better than your kids.
(Updated: 06-17-02)

I will kick your ass.
(Updated: 06-03-02)

Show everyone how much of an asshole you are by wearing faded jeans.
(Updated: 05-21-02)

Suicide isn't so bad, give it a chance.
(Updated: 04-18-02)

Someone call the CDC, it turns out Stupid is contagious after all.
(Updated: 03-31-02)

Contra III: The war that the world forgot.
(Updated: 02-18-02)

Five things that sucked about Lord of the Rings.
(Updated: 01-13-02)

Read my reviews or go to hell.

Movies that I've seen
(Updated: 01-22-01)

Movies I haven't seen and have no right to bitch about (but do anyway)
(Updated: 1-5-98)

Movies I hate that begin with "T" and end with "ITANIC"
(Updated: 10-21-98)

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